


Of Freedom and Forgiveness

by 09Tiff86



Series: The She-Wolf and the Hawke [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Betrayal, Blood Magic, Blood and Gore, Brooding, Dancing, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fenris is even less amused, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Fucking Mages, Genderbent Fenris, Kidnapping, Less Sarcastic Hawke, NSFW, Not really moving on, Parties, Pirate Best Friend, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Seeming to move on, Smut, Wicked Grace, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-06-07 23:03:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6828724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/09Tiff86/pseuds/09Tiff86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years have passed since Fenris and Isabela left Kirkwall. Now they're back and everything Fenris remembered is turned upside-down. Still... with the leads from Bela's contacts, Fenris has more than one purpose to return. First being her former master and his pet apprentice... the second... well... the second reason might be her watching the man she loves move on with someone else.</p><p>Chapters will be tagged with warnings at the beginning of each chapter when needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A little bit of smut in this chapter ;)

 

 

                She couldn’t believe they were back. Two years away from Kirkwall; fighting, searching, killing, drinking (more at Bela’s persistence) - and all for Isabela’s leads to point straight back to Kirkwall. Both for Bela’s relic and for Fenris’ search for Danarius and his leach apprentice, Hadriana. Over the past two years she and Isabela had saved each other on many occasions and had bonded in a way Fenris never would have guessed. She still had no idea what this relic was that Bela continued searching for, but they both understood each other’s need to keep some secrets to themselves. The pirate had proved time and time again that Fenris could trust her, and so Fenris had shown Isabela the same courtesy.

                She couldn’t help but wonder if Hawke and the rest of his little adopted group were still hanging around. She could see if he might still help her. To finally be free from her tormentors was still something she could taste yet never fully imagine. Maybe she could finally put this hate that consumed her to rest, along with the ones who put it there. Maybe then she could stop running.

                “Got all your things ready, Tiger?”

                Fenris’ bangs fell into her line of sight as she tilted her head to reply, but found tanned fingers pushing them aside before she could move, as her friend leaned on the railing next to her. She still hated being touched, but as Bela had informed her, ‘A pirate does what a pirate wants.’ She had only two options before her; either kill the pirate- or just growl if she got too close.

                “Now, now… have we not talked about this growling of yours on multiple occasions? Really… it does nothing to deter me… and if you wish to let your hair grow so long… well then… fixing your bangs and hair is just ‘touching’ you’ll need to learn to accept from me.”

                “Not a chance, pirate.”

                “Yes… well then, maybe mask the purring when I’m combing your hair with my fingers… it’s really quite confusing…”

                “Venhedis… SHUT UP!”

                _I will never admit to anything… even if it does feel wonderful_ …

                Isabela only laughed as she turned her attention towards the city growing closer before them. Both of them anxious to see some familiar faces, but neither willing to voice that feeling- even if they can read it clearly on the other’s face.

                _Home_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                He woke slowly. His dream still playing behind his closed lids and the smile he had awoken with now fading with the surety of reality setting in. It was the same each time he had this dream. It always began with him and Enla touching and tasting, to sighing and moaning, then smiles and kisses, and ending with declarations of love. Only the last month did the end of his dream begin to change. Now after the smiles and kisses he would lower his face into the crook of his lover’s neck and kiss at the juncture there, but when it came time for the confessions a different set of green eyes stared back.

                _Fenris_ …

                “Mmm… wake up, my sleepy Elliott… you’ll waste the day away.”

                Elliott popped his eyes open and smirked before rolling over and wrapping his hands around the soft naked body next to him. He ran his hands up and down the side of her body, slowing on the curve of her hip and pulling her closer so he could rub his arousal against her thigh nearest him.

                “Who says being in bed with a beautiful woman… and a naked one at that, I might add… is wasting the day away? I would like to speak with this person and rightly correct their thinking.”

                “Again, Elliott?”

                “All day long if you’d let me.”

                “I’d think you were trying to get me with child if we hadn’t already spoken about waiting.”

                _No… I’m not ready for children… maybe not ever_ …

                “This is just practice… and… What’s that saying again?”

                “ _Practice makes perfect._ ”

                They both laughed after speaking that last sentence in unison until Elliott kissed Enla until they were both panting and gasping. Last night they had taken things slowly, as he had wanted to take care of her needs thoroughly before they had come together and climaxed in each other’s arms. Most times they had been together it had been quick and hot, or rough and passionate, but every once in a while they would take the time to do things slowly. Last night had been the first time they had both found time to take things slowly. This morning he knew they did not have the time and so he moved between her legs and lowered his kisses to her neck as he slid inside of her. They moaned together as he began a quick pace in and out of her heated core. She wrapped her tiny and delicate legs around his waist and he pulled her hips against his own in time with his thrusts. He could tell she was getting close as her moans grew louder, until he lightly rubbed the pad of his thumb against her nub and released a tiny jolt of electricity when he felt her walls squeeze around him and he thrust a couple more times before he pulled himself from her and released on her stomach- some shooting up to her neck with the force of his orgasm.

                “ELLIOTT! REALLY?”

                _Shit_ …

                “Sorry… I’ll get a towel…”

                “Quickly… it’s running down my neck. I don’t want it in my hair!”

                _Yes… yes… your parents can’t know… though I’m not sure how they don’t yet_ …

                “I know, I know… sorry…”

                “I told you… I’m drinking the tea… you can just do that inside of me… it’s easier for me to hide it that way.”

                _Yea… until that one time… just one time and it could not work and then_ …

                “I know… I’m sorry, I just don’t…”

                “I KNOW… NO KIDS… you’ve told me enough… that’s why I’m taking that dreadful tea every day… ugh… never mind for the towel… it’s in my hair. Can I just take a bath here?”

                “You know you can.”

                Elliott watched her stand from the bed holding her hair away from her neck and cupping her hand against her stomach to catch his seed dripping down. She disappeared into the attached bathroom before he sighed and cleaned himself with the towel in his hand. After he finished he quickly dressed in his armor and headed into the bathroom. Enla had just finished filling the copper tub when he walked in and she watched him as he lifted his hand and warmed the water for her.

                “Thank you.”

                “For you? Anything.”

                She smiled at him and stood on her tiptoes to lightly kiss his mouth before she stepped into the steaming water. He waited until she lowered herself all the way down before he moved the soaps for washing closer to the edge of the tub.

                “Are you heading to the market?”

                “No… well… yes… but, not until after I stop by my mother.”

                “Oh… okay… tell her I say hello?”

                “I will.”

 

* * *

 

 

                “ _Rivaini_? You gotta be _shittin’_ me… I figured it’d be another _week_ before you got here.”

                _Mmm… home_ …

                “Well… if it isn’t the love of my life…”

                Varric only cocks an eyebrow at her until she reaches forward and gently pulls the pint from his hands. She lifts it to her lips and swallows the mouthful of swill left before lowering the glass and moaning after she swallows it. Looking at the pint affectionately she sighs, then hugs it to her ample cleavage.

                “Oh, how I’ve missed you love!”

                Varric only laughs and shakes his head.

                “I see how it is.”

                _Aww… sweet Varric_ …

                “Don’t worry, Sweet Thing… your chest hair is a _close second_ …”

                “ _That’s_ the Rivaini I know and love.”

                Isabela giggled and bit her lip until Varric shook his head and nonchalantly glanced towards the door behind her. She turned back and arched a brow in response to the empty doorway.

                “No Broody?”

                _Isn’t she ever_ …

                “ _She’s here_ … she just wanted to stop at that mansion she refuses to quit squatting in, before heading over to our dear _Hawke’s_ new estate.”

                She watched panic flare in his eyes for a moment before he blew out the breath he had been holding and rubbed his hand along the back of his neck. She didn’t like what he was implying and groaned.

                “ _AH TITS_ … this isn’t going to be good is it?”

                “You have no idea, Rivaini.”

                “I’m gonna need some rum before we walk into whatever _shitstorm_ is about to hit… and you _damn well better explain while I do_.”

                “ _Yes, Dear_.”

 

* * *

 

 

                “Hello, Mother.”

                Elliott smiled sadly as he lifted the bouquet to his nose and breathed in their scent. He was going to purchase a vase to go with them, but he figured his mother had enough of those around. Plus with winter ending, most flowers around Kirkwall would begin blooming naturally and Leandra always loved those flowers best.

                “I brought your favorite flowers… it seems that red has been a running theme in our family… but I know how you always loved the smell of fresh roses.”

                He knelt down and placed them below his mother’s name. The dates of her birth and death like carvings in his mind. Her epitaph (a simple thing), always held his gaze as he spoke to her grave.

 

‘Beloved Daughter

&

Devoted Mother.

She will be forever missed.’

 

                “I miss you, Mama.”

                Elliott looked around at all of the flowers surrounding her and smiled before wiping the tears from his eyes. He noticed a vase of daisies sitting amongst the other vases and smiled as he recognized them as the ones Enla had bought only the other day.

                _She never mentioned stopping to see my mother_ …

                “Enla wished for me to tell you hello for her… I suppose I just did now… but… if she hasn’t told you already I guess I should tell you… Enla and I… we… well… I asked her to marry me, Mama… I know how much you liked her… I only wish you could be here for the wedding… I hope you and Da are proud of me. I love you and miss you all… tell Bethy and Carver I love them… and to stop fighting… I’m not there to break it up, am I. Hmph… well… I suppose I’ve kept you long enough… I’ll stop by and see you again soon.”

                He turned and left the quiet Hightown Cemetery with a heavy heart and memories of blood magic, white lilies, and the last words his mother would ever speak to him again.

                ‘My little boy has become so strong.’

                ‘I love you. You’ve always made me so proud.’

 

* * *

 

 

                The mansion had looked almost exactly as she had remembered it. Even the room she had taken for herself seemed almost untouched. If you counted that it was all clean and free of dust and cobwebs. She wasn’t sure who had been visiting the mansion since she was away, but she hoped she had the right idea on who it could be.

                _Maybe that means it’s possible I could be forgiven? That he misses me?_

                Fenris shakes her head as she steps down the stairs away from Danarius’ mansion. Her mind playing scenario after scenario of warm and gentle hands dusting, possibly with magic, and straightening the mess she had left. Maybe sitting in her favorite chair… just to feel close to her.

                _It is what I would do if he were gone_ …

                She looks up as her feet reach the bottom of the stairs and she slows for a moment to stare at the Chanter’s Board and the steps leading to the Chantry. Closing her eyes, she wonders if maybe her room in the mansion being cleaned wasn’t so much the mage she had imagined, but an Ex-Chantry Brother she had also abandoned two years ago.

                _I should see if Sebastian is still in Kirkwall… speak to him about… he and I_ …

                Her breath comes out in a whoosh as she begins heading towards the Amell estate. She would make sure to visit the Chantry tomorrow. She knew that Hawke would ask her to come in so they could talk and with everything she wished to speak to him about, between finding out Danarius and his lap dog were in the area and her leaving abruptly two years ago, she knew they would be talking for quite some time. Unless he decided to just slam to door in her face and be done with her.

                _I guess I’ll find out_.

                Fenris walks up to the door and breathes in and out a few times to calm her nerves before she lifts her hand and raps her gauntlets against the door a few times. It’s quiet for a few moments and she wonders if she should just come back later when she hears bare feet slapping against the inside floors.

                _Hawke_ …

                “I’ve got it Bodahn!”

                _Not Hawke… maybe a servant?_

                The girl opened the door and Fenris felt a stone drop in her stomach. Short and delicate, but still curvy in all the right areas- auburn hair freshly washed and combed, dressed in a robe many sizes too large for her. Heart shaped face with a strong nose and pouty lips and…

                _Her eyes are green… almost the exact shade as mine… NO… it doesn’t matter… the way she’s dressed… she’s no servant_ …

                “Can I help you?”

                _No_.

                “Is Hawke home?”

                “Um… no… Elliott is out right now… but if you’d like I can have Bodahn hold a message for you…”

                _Elliott? Fenris, why are you not leaving yet?_

                “No… that won’t be necessary… I’ll just… I’ll just come back later…”

                “Are you a friend of Elliott’s?”

                Fenris stepped away from the door and looked away for a moment before she looked back at the girl before her. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t prepared herself in the fact that Hawke might have actually done what she had been hoping for… moving on.

                ‘’We… we were…”

                _Just leave you idiot_ …

                “Wait…”

                “I’ll just be going… I’ve wasted enough of your time…”

                “You’re Fenris, aren’t you...”

                “It doesn’t matter… I’m leaving now.”

                “Probably for the best.”

                _Wait a moment_ …

                “Excuse me?”

                “I know who you are… _I know what you and Elliott were to each other_. At least… I knew what you were to _him_ until now… now I can see that it wasn’t just one sided, so _forgive me_ , but… it would be best if you stayed away from my _fiancée_.”

                Fenris’ mind seemed to shut down and go blank at the girl’s words. Her heart began pounding in her chest and with each beat she felt as though tiny fissures were cracking all through it. She could feel her body shaking and after a moment she vaguely noticed the girl’s eyes grow wide as Fenris’ markings began pulsing. She thinks she hears the girl tell her to stay away from them both and possibly the word freak before she’s swiftly closing the door in Fenris’ face.

                _Fiancée_ …

                She turns and stumbles incoherently back towards Danarius’ mansion- not sure if it is minutes or hours before she’s before her door. Her mind feels numb to the thoughts slithering around in it and she dazedly stumbles in the direction of the wine cellar, hoping what she finds there to be enough to completely empty her mind of any and all thoughts.

                _Fiancée… **they’re getting married** … he wants to marry her_…

                Fenris doesn’t even check the label on the first bottle she grabs- only busts the end of the bottle off on the wall nearest her and pours the wine straight into her mouth. As she continues to douse her throat and stomach with the wine from her first bottle she uses her gauntleted fingers to pull out the corks of four more bottles before she finishes what’s left of her first.

                _You know you can’t blame him… or her… you can only blame yourself for all of this… a slave for a… for a wife? Wife of a mage?… And one who hates mages?… No… this is no one’s fault but your own_ …

                She drank the other four bottles down in the cellar and passed out a few hours later near a pile of her own vomit- her tears still staining her bronzed cheeks and her breathing stuttering throughout the night.

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all :) posting this at 1am cause I just can't wait. It's been taking over my thoughts and so I just pushed through to finish it... and ANGST/PAIN/ANGST and more pain (sorry, not sorry). I felt like I didn't have enough in the first installment of this series, so hold on to your knickers cause this one is gonna get dark. Next chapter is gonna be kinda short cause I wanna add in a scene between Hawke and Fenris (slight canon divergence) before I get to the third chapter which will involve a pretty graphic rape scene. Just wanted to give a heads up on that, so anyone who is uncomfortable reading about rape or just doesn't feel like reading it, just skip chapter 3 when it's posted.
> 
> PS- I'll have warnings up at the beginning of chapters that need them so you'll have an extra reminder there as well.
> 
> PSS- Please let me know what you think of this chapter :/ with not giving myself time to go over it I feel like it's not as good as it should be. As always, thank you to all of you who've taken the time out of your day to read my fic :) <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabela and Varric give Fenris a rude and cold wake up call... Fenris and Hawke meet after two years apart.

                “SHIT… Varric… help me… she may be a lanky elf, but she’s heavier than she looks!”

                “Maker’s breath!”

                _Please… shut up… UGH… my head is splitting open_ …

                “ _Nnnnngh_ …”

                Fenris dozed on and off as the two helped her stumble up the stairs from the cellar and through the mansion. She expected them to just take her to her room, but after they set her down she fell back asleep until, what seemed like only a moment later, they doused her with a bucket of cold water.

                “ _KAFFAS!_ ”

                She sat up and whipped the water from her face before looking around and noticing she was in the lavatory. Varric stood away from her, closest to the door, and Isabela held the bucket against her jutted hip. Fenris glared and growled at her friend before she fumbled to a standing position and then dashed to the copper tub to empty her roiling stomach.

                “ _Yep_ … that’s my cue to leave _… good luck with that, Rivaini_.”

                “Varric… _DON’T_ … DAMMIT!”

                _I am not an invalid_ …

                “I can take care of myself, _Pirate_!”

                “ _Yes_ … I can see that, Tiger…”

                “Vishante kaffas _… just leave me be_ …”

                “Not gonna happen… _sorry kitten_.”

                _Fasta vass_ …

                “Then _get me another bottle of wine_ …”

                “You don’t need…”

                _VENHEDIS_!

                “Fine, I’ll _GET IT MYSELF_ THEN!”

                “ _Dammit_ , Fenris…”

                _I never asked you to save me, Bela… I was never worth the effort_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Isabela had left hours ago and all the while Fenris just stared at the bottle of wine in her hand. The bitter smell of fermented blueberries filled her nose each time the head of the bottle came near her face. She lifted the bottle and as the fire shone through and she swirled the wine around and around she felt it. The same as she remembered, but so much better than her memories- his magic was like a slow caress along her skin, raising gooseflesh from her feet to her neck. She closed her eyes and forced down a moan as her body reacted and without thought began pulling it to her. She was losing herself in it when it suddenly stopped- as though it were a cord being sliced apart. Hawke walked in a second later.

                “Sorry… it’s been so long… I forgot…”

                _Why does this man have to be so Maker forsaken irresistible?_

                “Hello, Hawke.”

                “Fenris… it is good to see you… you’ve let your hair grow out…”

                She only watched him as he tried to keep his eyes on anything but her own. His eyes locked on the bottle of wine in her hand before he finally looked her in the eyes.

                “Last bottle of the Agreggio. I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.”

                Fenris watched as Hawke gingerly sat in the seat across from her and returned his gaze to the bottle for a silent moment. She kept her gaze on him as she lifted the bottle to her lips and devoured the sight of him with her eyes. His hair was short and kept, his beard clean cut and close shaven, but his eyes would always be where her’s inevitably gravitated to.

 _Just like the waters near Antiva- though even that description could never do them justice_.

                Fenris handed the bottle to Hawke and it seemed to prompt him to begin speaking again. His eyes never seemed to stray from her for very long.

                “And what’s that?”

                “The anniversary of my escape.”

                Fenris thought about the six years it had been since she had run from Danarius- being with the Fog Warriors those few glorious months. It had been an experience she would never forget- both good and bad- then running even with Danarius always seeming to be right at her heels. Hawke swallowed a drink of the wine before handing back the bottle and as Fenris brought the bottle to her lips, she closed her eyes, and imagined Hawke’s lips against her own.

                “ _Astia valla femundis_ … care to hear the story?”

                Fenris set the bottle of wine down between her and Hawke before leaning on the armrest of her chair. She expected rejection- even a warning- like the one she had received earlier, but Hawke only looked down at his hands and smirked before returning his gaze to hers.

                “I’ve always enjoyed listening to you talk…”

                _Is that so_ …

                Fenris’ cheeks and ears heated at the compliment and she had to force herself not to outright smile at Hawke. If he wished to be pleasant and friendly with her then she would do the same for him.

                “There are few pleasures greater than speaking with a man who will actually listen.”

                She gives her own smirk as she notices Hawke swallow slowly and a slight tinge of pink colors his cheeks as well. Fenris finds herself wondering if maybe the pirate has somehow rubbed off on her during their growing friendship.

                “Let’s see…”

 

* * *

 

 

                “I have to wonder why you stayed with Danarius as long as you did.”

                “You have not been a slave.”

                _I can’t believe she’s actually here… right here… I could reach out a hand and actually touch her_ …

                “A slave does not dream of freedom… or wonder at possibilities…”

                Elliott watched her as she paused and glanced at him for a second before she turned her eyes to the fire. She looked sad, to Elliott, and he had to reign in the urge to go to her and comfort her the way he wanted.

                “… you think only of your master’s desires…”

                Now he thought she only looked angry.

                “… or what the next hour will bring.”

                _I wish I could take it all away_ …

                “It did not occur to me that I could be anything else… until I had a taste of it.”

                She looked over at Elliott then and the depth of emotion he saw in her eyes seized his heart and squeezed it in his chest. She was, and still is, the most confounding and gorgeous woman he had ever met.

                “I’m sorry… this can’t be easy to talk about.”

                Elliott watched her grab the bottle of wine and swallow down a few gulps before lowering it maybe a little too quickly. She seemed to sway in her chair a little from the momentum, but continued to stare at the bottle and she spoke as though she didn’t wish to admit what she was about to say.

                “I’ve never spoken about what happened… to anyone… I’ve never wanted to.”

                She finally looks at him, but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.

                “Perhaps this is what it means to have a friend.”

                _A friend? I… don’t say it… don’t go there Elliott_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                _Maybe I can do this… just be his friend… I can… I can do that… right?_

                “Did you ever think that it might mean more than that?”

                Fenris’ forced smile left her lips slowly as she regarded Hawke. She blinked a few times before she stood up and walked a few steps away. Keeping her back to Hawke she never noticed him wipe his hands down his face and shake his head at himself before he stood and stepped towards her.

                “I’m not sure what it is that you want from me, Hawke…”

                She heard him growl in frustration before he grabbed her shoulder and spun her to face him. She had never seen so many conflicting emotions in one set of eyes and with Hawke’s nearness she could smell his familiar woodsy musky scent washing over her.

                “I want to know _why_? _Why you left_ … wh… _why_?”

                _Because I’m a coward_ …

                “ _Because_ … _I_ … because of what I did…”

                “Enough Fenris… _enough excuses_ … tell me the truth!”

                _Excuses?_

                “Alright _… if we’re speaking truths here_ … then tell me why you’re here, Hawke?”

                She watched his eyes widen briefly before he stepped away from her and ran his hands through his hair. She instantly missed the contact of his hands upon her shoulders, but she forced the thought from her mind as Hawke dropped his hands to his sides.

                “I wanted to see you… to see that you were _really back_... that you were _whole and healthy_. And you _are_ … you’re _here_ … you’re healthy and strong and still _just as stubborn_ as when I first met you…”

                _You’re one to talk_ …

                “… still just as _achingly beautiful_ …”

                _Oh_ …

                Fenris looked to the floor and stared at a crack in the stone until the tips of Hawke’s boots penetrated her vision. She held her breath as his hand reached and lightly touched her chin and as he started to push to tilt her head up she couldn’t seem to stop herself from letting him. He was standing so close that she could feel his warm breath on her face- could see the stubble just peeking through his skin on his neck- could see the dark circles forming below his eyes. They shared breath for a moment until Fenris looked in Hawke’s eyes and held them.

                “There’s those beautiful green eyes.”

                _Beautiful green eyes… green eyes… ones just like mine, only they’re not mine_ …

                A fissure in her heart seemed to expand at the reminder. She closed her eyes and stepped away from Hawke’s hand before walking back to the table and grabbing the bottle of wine. She lifted the bottle in Hawke’s direction, ignoring the confusion plainly written on his face, and spoke.

                “I think a toast is in order…”

                “Fenris…”

                “… _to the fallen!_ ”

                She lifted the bottle to her lips and downed the rest of the bottle before she wiped away the wine running down her chin and then chucked the bottle into the fireplace. She walked towards the door and grabbed ahold of it- her gauntlets digging gouges into the wood.

                “ _Fenris?_ ”

                “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

                _I thought I could do this… but_ …

                “Fenris… what’s wrong? _Talk to me_ …”

                _You wish for me to talk_ …

                “Don’t you think your _fiancée_ will be wondering where you are?”

                Fenris watched Hawke close his eyes and cave in on himself- for a moment she regretted causing him that grief. She watched him open his mouth and contemplate what he would say before he stepped closer to her and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

                “Fenris, _I_ …”

                “ _Don’t_ Hawke… I don’t want your excuses.”

                Hawke looked to the floor and shook his head for a moment before he huffed out a mirthless laugh and started to walk out the door. She waited to hear his footsteps on the stairs, but a moment later he moved back in front of her.

                “Why did you come by the estate yesterday?”

                _He knew? And yet he still came here? Well… he gave me the truth… it is only fair_ …

                “I came to _apologize_ … for how I left… and for _betraying_ you in the fade. _Back then_ I felt _weak_ and _unworthy_ of your forgiveness… so I _ran_ … it was only by chance that I ran into Isabela before she left… but I also came back because the leads I received reported that Danarius and Hadriana were here… or _around_ here… and _I_ … wished to see if you would still give me aid in killing them.”

                She watched his eyes soften after she was done speaking and without touching her he grabbed the edge of the door near her and smiled faintly.

                “I _forgave_ _you_ the moment you began speaking to that demon… if anyone should apologize, it should be _me_ … I should _never_ have asked you to journey into the fade… I was being selfish and wanted to save Feynriel as fast as I could, _consequences be damned_ … and… Isabela told me about Danarius… I just want you to know that, _even if you hated me_ … I would still help you kill that _monster_.”

                The relief and gratitude that Fenris felt seemed to lighten something inside of her and she couldn’t help but let her smile show for a moment before she lowered her gaze to the floor again. True to form, Hawke slowly reached up and touched her chin to lift her gaze back to his. She thought he might scold her for looking down, but he only smiled at her before dropping his hand back down to his side.

                “Goodnight, Fenris.”

                _Whh… I_ …

                “Goodnight, Hawke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew... this chapter went way differently than I thought it would, but honestly I'm quite pleased with how it turned out :) and like I said, this installment is gonna be angsty and dark, so... yea. Next chapter... I'm gonna be doing a lot of revising on it since I've had it written for months, but the story has changed a lot from what I thought it would be, so it might not be published as quickly as this one was.
> 
> Reminder- next chapter will involve graphic rape. If you are uncomfortable with that in any way or for any reason PLEASE, just skip it, there will not be anything major that you'll miss from the story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains a graphic rape scene. If you are uncomfortable or just don't wish to read it please skip this chapter. You will not miss anything important.
> 
> Fenris goes to the Chantry seeking out Sebastian...

                Fenris found the Chantry to be smaller than she remembered- less ostentatious. The smell of incense was still quite overpowering, but with no one around she found the silence to be relaxing. Each sister she had asked about whether Sebastian was there only shrugged her shoulders and walked away. She wasn’t sure if it was that he just wasn’t there or that her appearance caused them unease and they didn’t wish to speak to her. She imagined that Sebastian would be angry with her- that she had left so abruptly and without so much as a goodbye.

                _It was for the best_.

                She knew he had been hoping that their relationship would become serious, but Fenris had not felt right about it. If she was honest, she knew why.

                _You ruined any chance you had with Hawke… you have only yourself to blame_. _You were a coward and decided that instead of letting Hawke in you would leave him after your night kissing under the stars._

                Hawke had left her house the night before without any anger held between them, and for that she felt thankful. She hoped it was a sign that they might actually be able to continue their friendship, despite whatever feelings she still held for him, but she wouldn’t hold out on it lasting. She could never seem to go long without breaking something. She was currently sitting around the Chantry so that she could break something even now, though she wasn’t even sure if Sebastian was still hanging around Kirkwall. He had spoken to her about reclaiming his throne before everything happened, and she had the uncomfortable feeling that with Sebastian’s offer of a serious relationship, that he would wish for her to become his wife- that was the last thing she wanted.

                _He isn’t even here… maybe he gave up and decided to just stay in Starkhaven_ …

                She stood from where she had knelt to pray to the Maker and walked through the double doors that lead to a set of stairs that wound their way to where they kept candles for those who had passed on. She wished to light one for Carver before she left. She only just lifted her foot to step up the stairs when the door behind her opened and she was grabbed from behind.

                “Fenris?”

                _Oh_ …

                “Sebastian?”

                “ _You’re back?_ ”

                Fenris didn’t have a moment to think or even to reply before he had her spun around and pushed against the wall beneath the stairs leading to the second floor. His mouth slams against hers with a roughness unusual for Sebastian, but she chalks it up to them being away from each other for two years. She tries to allow her previous feelings for him to come back to her, but she only feels disconnected from him. She moves her mouth away from his to whisper to him as he moves his mouth to her neck. She hisses as he rakes his teeth over her markings.

                “Sebastian… we should talk…”

                He seems not to hear her at first until she removes her gauntlets and puts her hands against his cheeks to lift his head. He looks as she remembered physically, until she looks into his eyes. Though the stairwell is rather dark she can see the desperation in his eyes. She furrows her brows at the redness around his pupils and the dark circles below his eyes for only a moment before his hands move from her and reach into one of his pockets. He pulls out a strange amulet and puts it over her head before she can protest to the gift. She glances down at it and realizes she can’t feel any pain from her markings. She marvels at it for a second longer before Sebastian grabs her wrists and slides them behind her back. He holds them with one hand, his grip like steel, and then uses the other to loosen her chest plate.

                “You left me… without saying where you were going…”

                He sets her chest plate down lightly as she stares at him worriedly. He kisses her mouth, pushing her head against the wall roughly, shoving his tongue into her opened lips, before he begins loosening her leather trousers and continues talking quietly.

                “I searched for you… I went _mad_ , thinking that _you had left me_ … I _missed your touch_ … _your lips_ … your sweet _cunt_ as it surrounded my _cock_ … and your _hair_ … I _knew_ it would be beautiful long…”

                She tries removing her hands from his grip, noticing again that her markings are causing her no pain, but with the motion he only tightens his fingers and pushes his body against hers. She tries to push him away, but he doesn’t budge and she begins to panic as he slides his free hand down her smalls, between her folds, then roughly shoves his fingers inside of her.

                _Ow! What is he doing? This isn’t the Sebastian I remember_ …

                “ _Sebastian_ , you’re…”

                “ _Shhhhh_ … we don’t want the _Grand Cleric_ to hear…”

                He covers her lips with his own and, before she’s realized it, he has his own leathers loosened and dropped to his ankles. He shoves her pants down the rest of the way with one of his feet and forces her legs apart with his knees. She tries to use her markings to phase away from him, but nothing happens and with that she realizes that the amulet must suppress her powers.

 _How is that possible? I’m no mage_ …

                She is about to speak to him again- plead with him- when he finally looks at her and she sees the raging lust in his eyes as he whispers to her.

                “Before the Maker and Andraste, we _will_ create my heir… _right here_ … and with their blessing I will request the Grand Cleric to marry us… _you will be my queen_ … you will _bear my heir_ and we will _leave_ this retched city and _go home_ …”

                Her mind races at his words and the absurdity of it all, but as she tries to release her hands again, to stop Sebastian from his current train of thought, he forces himself upon her, sheathing himself fully inside of her without pause. A guttural roar tries to leave her, from the pain their joining causes her, but he quickly wraps his hand around her throat, keeping the roar from sounding. Sebastian whispers into her ear.

                “ _Shush now_ , my love, I know how you can be a _little vocal_ … I do not wish for us to be _interrupted_.”

                _This cannot be happening!_

                He begins to thrust harder into her and she tries to speak, but only grunting noises escape her as she tries to cry out at the intrusion. Sebastian holds her throat so tightly she can only make quiet gurgling noises through her clenched teeth. She tries to keep her body from sliding down, as she notices that Sebastian does not loosen his grip as she does so- resulting in his grip completely closing her airways. She uses her thighs to keep herself up high enough, but Sebastian takes her movements as encouragement and he begins to grunt and pump himself into her faster.

                “Ugh… _Yes_... Maker… praise _Andraste_... _AHH YES_.. you’re _so tight_ and _warm… just as I remember_ … _come_ for me love… I want to _feel_ your body accepting my seed… I want to _feel you squeeze me_ and suck my cock dry…”

                She can feel her body responding to him, though her mind has filled with horror that Sebastian could even do this to her. He uses the hand holding her throat to leverage himself so he can slam himself into her faster and faster and she tries to stop her body from responding, but it seems to no longer be in her control.

                “You _will_ come for me… you _will_ become my queen… you _will_ give me an heir… just like she said… yes… _Ah_ … _YES_ … _just_ like that…”

                She tries to shake her head, tries to speak to him, but his hold on her throat stays tight and with black spots dotting her vision she can only make slight guttural noises as his thrusting becomes frantic- the slapping of their skin, and his grunting, the only real noise being made.

                _Please… stop_ … _juststop…_

                “ _I know_ what will make you come… you’ve always liked it _rough_ … you want it _harder_ don’t you? _Deeper_? Want me to hurt you? I can do that for you, my love _… I will give you what you need_ …”

                He finally releases her hands, but he brings his other hand to her raw nub and begins to assault it before he lowers his mouth to her neck and bites her so hard that her body doesn’t know what to do but comply. She grabs his hand rubbing her clit and tries to pry it away, but her body is on overload and she ends up pulling both hands up to hold the arm squeezing her throat instead.

                “Hawke will never again have you… never _taste_ you… never _FUCK YOU_ as thoroughly as I am _right now_ … you are _mine_ … you belong to _me_ …”

                _You belong to me, my little Fenris_ … _No, Danarius… I belong to_ …

                _Hawke…_

                She thinks about him and their time together in the Deep Roads. Though Sebastian still didn’t seem to believe her, she and Hawke hadn’t slept together. That last night after they had left the Deep Roads… all of the hesitant smiles- the soft kisses- the gentle touching- the _silken caress of his magic as he told her_ …

                “ _YES… COME FOR ME!_ ”

                She forces out a stuttered throaty sob as her body betrays her, and as her inner walls tighten with her orgasm, he slams into her a few more times before he moves his hand from her throat to cover her mouth and his teeth sink into her neck as he moans loudly and empties himself inside of her. Tears continue to fall down her face even after Sebastian releases her and she sucks in a large breath and begins to cough as her body slides to the ground. She brings her hand to her throat as she sucks in breaths too quickly and as she looks at her hand and sees her own blood coating her fingers she sees spots and blacks out for a moment. She comes back to with a loud ringing in her ears and sees Sebastian kneeling before her with a bloody smile on his face. She vaguely hears him speak one last time.

                “ _Don’t cry_ , love _… I missed you too_ …”

                She feels like throwing up as Sebastian continues to smile at her, and with her blood on his lips he kisses her roughly, forcing his lips against her noncompliant ones one last time before he walks through the double doors, shutting them behind himself.

                She feels her blood running down her neck and his seed leaking from her as she tries to regain her bearings. In her raging thoughts she somehow hears quiet footfalls coming down the stairs. She continues to wheeze and she tries to cover herself until a petite sister kneels before her with tears in her eyes.

                “I am _so sorry_ … I witnessed the _end of_ … please… _please_ , I will help you… just tell me where to take you…”

                She can feel her body shaking viciously and bouts of hot and cold sweats fight for dominance over her body. She retches on the floor and another sob escapes her before she can quell it. Her eyes blur with more tears and she can’t seem to think about where would be safest for her to go- where Sebastian would not think to look for her.

                _The Abomination_ … _Anders_ …

                She tries to speak, but her throat feels as though it may collapse if she speaks. She shakes her head and swallows a few times before she tries again- barely rasping out the words.

                “ _Anders… Dark-town… help…_ ”

                She isn’t sure if the Chantry sister understood a single croaked word she just said, but the girl nods her head and helps Fenris stand, lifting her leathers and tying them for her quickly, before she cracks open the doors, searching for anyone, and motions for Fenris to follow her. Fenris absentmindedly wipes the tears from her eyes before she grabs her gauntlets and pulls them back on. She returns her hands to holding her chest plate against herself, not having enough control over her own fingers to fasten it before she leaves.

                _This is all a nightmare… this isn’t happening… you’ll wake up in a moment… thisisallanightmare… thisisn’thappening_ …

                Only it did happen.

 

* * *

 

 

                Even though last night had not gone the way he had hoped, Hawke still couldn’t stop the elation he felt that Fenris was back. He knew Enla would have been furious with him for going to see her, but she didn’t understand that he had to. Fenris would always be his friend, even if she hated him. He was surprised at first of her apology for the incident in the fade, but he knew he shouldn’t have been- she always judged herself too harshly.

                _If she had only stayed long enough… I would have told her how I felt… about everything_.

                He is just walking past the Chantry, towards Fenris’ mansion, hoping to give her a gift he had had for her when a petite Chantry sister runs to him, tears in her eyes, and begins speaking in hurried, but hushed, tones.

                “Serah Hawke… _please_ … it is your companion… _the elf woman_ … with the white hair and _markings_ … you _must_ go to her…”

                Hawke felt dread take over his body and he grabbed her shoulders before he could stop himself.

                _If Danarius has come for her, and has harmed her in any way, I will tear him to pieces_.

                “ _Where is she?_ ”

                “She asked me to take her to the healer… in _Darktown… Anders… he told me to find you_ …”

                “ _What has happened to her?_ ”

                “I am _sorry_ , Serah Hawke, but it is _unspeakable_ … _I cannot say it_ … it must be her who speaks of it… _I am so sorry_ …”

                Hawke watches her cover her mouth, tears still streaming down her face as she hurries back to the Chantry. He doesn’t think twice, doesn’t hesitate, before he heads to his estate to use the secret passage to Ander’s clinic.

                _I’m coming Fenris_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris is only slightly lucid as she leans against the Chantry sister. She slowly realizes that they are standing at the doors to Anders’ clinic. She feels her stomach clench and heave again, but it has long since been empty, so nothing comes out of her except the tears that continue to pour from her eyes. Her body continues to shake, but otherwise it has become numb- along with her mind.

                _You asked for this… you led him on all that time… you should never have gone to him after Hawke… this is your own fault_ … _you asked for this… youaskedforthis_ …

                She grows confused again as the sister pulls her through the doors that had only a moment ago been shut. She realizes that she is still clutching her chest plate to herself when she hears muffled and drowned out voices speaking. She looks up and blinks rapidly to try and clear the blurriness from her eyes as calloused hands lightly touch her cheeks. She panics and scrambles out of the arms holding her up and after she falls to the ground- her chest plate forgotten after it clangs against the floor- she crawls on all fours away from them, knocking over cots and buckets, until her body hits a wall.

                “DON’T TOUCH ME… _DON’T_ touch me… _don’ttouchmedon’ttouchme_ … _don’ttouchme_ …”

                Her words stream through her mind like a constant mantra that weaves with her frantic breathing. Like music- only morbid and sadistic.

                _Don’ttouchme… pleasedon’ttouchme…pleasedon’ttouchme_ … _don’ttouchme_ …

                “Fenris _… it’s me_ … Anders…”

                _Anders… yes… I need Anders… HE will not look for me here… last place he’ll look… lastplacehe’lllook_ …

                She wraps her arms around her knees and rocks back and forth, not staring at anything, and keeps speaking her newfound mantra to herself as Anders questions the Chantry sister who brought her.

                “ _Can’t_ find me here… _won’t check here… lastplacehe’lllook… lastplacehe’lllook_ … _lastplacehe’lllook_ …”

                She begins laughing hysterically.

                “The last place _who_ will look, Fenris?”

                _LastplaceHE’LLlook… the prince… the king… the Vael_ ….

                “The _prince_ … the _king_ … the _Vael_ … _lastplacehe’lllook_ …”

                “Maker’s breath… please, sister… _find_ _Hawke_ …”

                “Yes _Serah_ … right away…”

                _Hawke… her sweet, caring, Elliott Hawke_ …

                The petite sister leaves before Fenris stops laughing.

                “WAIT! _NO! Nonononononononono_ … not _Hawke_ … _nonono_ … _hecan’tbehere_ … _nonononono_ … _please_ , nonono… _he will follow Elliott_ … HE will find out I’m here… _he’llfindme_ … makemehisqueen… _Idon’twanttobequeen_ … don’twanthiminme… _needtogethimoutofme_ …”

                Fenris doesn’t even notice Anders walk away from her as she shoves her gauntleted fingers violently through her hair to cover her ears, not even noticing as the tips gouge into her scalp as they do. She rocks back and forth, until Anders is kneeling in front of her again with a cup in his hands.

                “Okay, it’s just _you and me_ , Fenris… no one else… _okay_?”

                “ _No one else_ … no one else… ‘kay… _nooneelse_ …”

                “Okay, Fenris… I need you to _drink_ this… you’ve been dry heaving and it doesn’t help that your stomach is empty… this water will help ease your stomach…”

                _Water… yes… water is good… itsgood… itssafe_ …

                She reaches her blood covered gauntlets forward to take the cup, but Anders holds it against her mouth and tips it so she can drink. He pours it so that she can’t help but swallow it quickly and, after a moment, she realizes with the taste in her mouth that it wasn’t only water in that cup and her body begins to go slack.

                “ _What… didyoudo?_ ”

                “I’m _sorry_ , Fenris… it’s just going to help you _calm down_ … you need to _rest_ … I’ll watch over you… Hawke will be here soon…”

                “ _NO…. nnnooo… no….. nnnngh….. nnnnnn_ …”

                She tries to fight it, tries to use her markings as she tries to fight Anders when he helps her lay back, but even as her chest heaves with the breaths she tries to take, she starts to cry from the fear inside her. Her body shakes, but even as her body panics, her markings stay silent. She wants to tell him to remove the amulet, but the drug is too strong and too quick to fight as it takes her under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea... so this was kinda cathartic for me to write as I have my own demons on this issue. I'm hoping that I'll be able to do the recovery process justice, but before that happens this needed to (at least in my mind for this fic) and Fenris' struggles are far from over. Definitely got this chapter done faster than I was expecting (again), and I'm hoping the trend continues. Please let me know what you think and if anything doesn't add up or seems questionable PLEASE message me :) I'm always open to constructive criticism :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris deals with the trauma of her attack, deals with making sure she doesn't become pregnant, then comes face to face with Sebastian.
> 
> Trigger Warning- Descriptions of trauma (though no specific details of her attack), self-hurt, self-blame, actions to stop pregnancy/abortion.

                Nightmares plague her for what feels like an eternity.

                _Rough fingers everywhere… blue eyes of ice… Slave… Love… my love… pain… blood… blood magic… a slave queen for an orphaned king… you asked for it… a slave deserves their treatment… you are a slave… you don’t deserve love… you are not free… you asked for it… you deserve this…asked for it… you asked for it…_

                She feels her body becoming more solid as the nightmare of images subsides. She moans as she starts to wake and after a moment she feels a hand touch her forehead and moves her hair from her face. Her eyes immediately snap open and she screams gutturally as she tries to move from the hand touching her. A moment later she falls to the ground and moves to get away when someone begins to speak to her.

                “Fenris… _stop_ … you’ll _hurt_ yourself… it’s me… _its Hawke_ …”

                _No… he followed you… he’s going to take me to Starkhaven… he’s going to make me_ …

                “ _He’s going to find me_ … He’ll know you will be near me… _he_ …”

                Fenris stops speaking for a moment as images of the day before flash through her mind. She absentmindedly brings her hand to her neck and finds her skin to be healed and whole. Her hand coming away clean and dry, but as the cold chain from the amulet rolls under her fingers she remembers what it did to her.

                She rips the amulet from her neck and chucks it to the other side of the clinic.

                The pain from her markings is an ironic balm to her sensitive skin.

                She ignites her markings and sighs at their familiarity.

                “That amulet was enchanted… wasn’t it!?”

                “Yes… Sebastian… he… he put it around my neck before… before he…”

                Hawke moves towards her (maybe to comfort her), but she shakes her head and lifts her hand to stop him from coming any closer to her. She blocks out the images in her head and continues.

                “It suppresses my abilities… took away the pain of my markings… it was very overwhelming to deal with while dealing with… I should have… should have stopped him sooner… maybe I could have…”

                “ _NO_ , Fenris… NO… that was _NOT your FAULT_ …”

                “ _Wasn’t it?_ ”

                “NO.”

                “You sound so sure.”

                _If only I could let myself believe that_ …

                “I’ve never been surer about _anything_.”

                “Thank you, Hawke.”

                Fenris thinks about the amulet for a moment and finds she understands why mages fear and hate Templars so much.

                _What is wrong with me… sympathizing with mages?_

                A loud gurgle emanates from Fenris’ stomach and Hawke smirks slightly before standing and walking away. She puts her hand to her stomach as it growls again and she remembers Sebastian’s reasons for what he did.

                _I’ve slept with his… with it inside me… what if it… what if I’m?_

                “No… no… _no no no_ …”

                She begins to claw at her abdomen, scratching her skin and markings with nails instead of pointed gauntlets. She can feel her body overheating and her stomach roils sickeningly as she begins to panic again. She feels familiar magic wrap around her, like a silken blanket, and calms slightly.

                “When Anders gets back with Varric and Isabela he will give you a tonic that will expel anything inside of you.”

                _Yes… yes… I need it out… Ineeditout_ …

                “He will _come_ for me… he will _find_ me… he’ll _take me away_ … I _can’t_ let him take me… I don’t _want_ to go…”

                “ _He_ … _will_ … _not_ … _touch_ … _you_. Not again…”

                Fenris stops rocking on the ground at the tone of Hawke’s voice and she raises her blurry forest eyes to his teal and sees his determination shining through. He holds out his hand for her and waits, but before she can reach for it her body becomes numb until one string of thoughts run through her mind.

                _I am not a princess… I do not need saving… I am a warrior… I am not a slave… I am not a princess… I do not need saving… I am a warrior… I will end those who stand in my way_ …

                “ _No_ …”

                She puts her shaking hands beneath herself and slowly stands on unsteady legs. She scowls at herself then turns it to the man next to her.

                “He will not touch me… _NO ONE_ will _EVER_ touch me…”

                “You’re _safe_ here, Fenris.”

                _No_ …

                “I am not safe _anywhere_ … but it doesn’t matter… I will _protect myself_ … I will _SAVE_ myself… and I will _REMOVE_ what is inside of me… _myself_ …”

                Before Hawke can grab her she phases her hand through her abdomen and squeezes whatever she can grab. The pain explodes through her and she screams out, but she continues to squeeze her hand in herself regardless. Hawke screams at her unintelligibly and as he puts a hand on her arm she fuels her markings into her hands and a blast of pure power sends Hawke sailing away from her into a wall across the clinic. She doesn’t stop to think about her newfound ability as she continues to scream. Blood begins to seep through her smalls and through her leathers and down her legs, but even as the pain grows she doesn’t stop and her screams turn to roars that shake the walls around her. Something solid finally hits her from behind, pinning her to the ground, and as she thrashes and roars she feels lightning shoot through her, paralyzing her limbs.

                “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…….. LET ME GO!”

                “Fenris… _PLEASE_ … _STOP_ … you’re _KILLING YOURSELF_!”

                “I WILL KILL YOU… _LET ME GO_ … I WILL KILL YOU ALL… _LET_ … _ME_ … _GO_!”

                She watches wildly as the Abomination hurries towards her with a flask held tightly in his hand. She growls and snarls and screams as he shuffles towards her.

                “DON’T COME NEAR ME… I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU… _I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INSIDES ONE BY ONE!_ ”

                “Hold her head still, Hawke… and _when I say_ , hold her nose.”

                “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!”

                “It’ll be okay, Fenris… _not now_ … but it will be…”

                Fenris forces her mouth closed as the Abomination unstoppers the flask in his hand and as he nods to Hawke she sucks in a large breath through her nose before he can grab it. He finally gets ahold of her nose and as her body protests from the lack of oxygen she shakes her head from side to side in hopes of him losing his grip, but as he keeps her nose plugged she glances and sees Varric holding Isabela back from coming to her. She furrows her brows at the pirate, pleading with her eyes for her to save her from the men above her, and she sees tears streaming down Bela’s cheeks. She feels on the verge of passing out when she opens her mouth to take a breath and he begins pouring the contents of the flask down her throat. She tries to spit it out, but he holds her mouth closed until he sees her swallowing it so that she can cough and breathe. When she is done coughing he shoves the flask into her mouth one last time to empty it and holds her mouth closed until she has swallowed the last of it. The Abomination then begins healing the damage she caused herself as she phased her hand into her abdomen.

                Fenris feels her body lagging from all of her exertions and when Anders finishes healing her and his paralysis spell finally wears off she doesn’t even notice until Hawke releases her nose and her head. She turns her head away from him, and as tears stream down her face Isabela finally shakes Varric off and rushes to her side. Isabela combs her fingers through Fenris’ hair and coos at her like a tiny kitten, calling her one as well. The Abomination speaks to her- though she doesn’t move to acknowledge him.

                “The potion will purge what is left in your womb… I have healed what I could, but you will feel the pain you caused yourself, plus that pain tenfold as the potion kicks in… there will be more blood, and the pain will be extraordinary, but it is supposed to happen… Hawke and Varric will wait outside and keep watch, Isabela can stay with you if you wish… I am going to lie down and try to get some sleep… though I doubt any of us will get much once you’ve started… once it’s started working…”

                She listens to Isabela coo at her and tries to relax as her fingers continue to comb through her hair, but soon she can feel her stomach contracting and before she can even prepare herself her body is forcing blood curdling screams from her throat and the only thing keeping her grounded to the earth is her death grip on Isabela’s hands. Isabela covers her with a blanket and removes her breaches and smalls so that the blood and other fluids being expelled from her can flow freely. She sobs between contractions and focuses on the cold cloth Isabela rubs along her forehead until there is no rest between them. By the time the potion has done its job Fenris’ voice is so hoarse and raw and broken that only whimpering noises come out when before there had been roars and bellows loud enough to rattle glass.

                It is in the early stages of dawn the next day, as Fenris clutches one of Isabela’s hands, that she is finally able to fall into a fitful sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

                “DAMMIT! The son of a bitch found her…”

                Hawke looks up to see Sebastian walking up the stairs towards them. He stares at him and as Sebastian stops in front of them, bows, then smirks, Hawke has to restrain himself with every ounce of self-control he has to not roast him alive.

                “The Maker and his bride bless Fenris and I, to have you all here in one place, as I take her to the Chantry for us to be wed.”

                _He can’t be serious_.

                “Sorry, you sick, Chantry loving, son-of-a-bitch, but over my dead pirate ass is Fenris going anywhere with you.”

                Hawke pulls his mana to him and readies a frost spell that will keep Sebastian contained as Varric points Bianca at his nether regions just as Isabela finishes speaking and walks into Anders clinic and shuts the door in his face.

                “She will be my wife… my QUEEN… my heir is growing inside of her at this very moment… you will not keep her from me…”

                After the heart wrenching screams he heard leave Fenris the night before, he hoped she wouldn’t still end up pregnant. Hawke decides against the ice and engulfs his own hand in flames as Varric pipes up.

                “You see, _Choir Boy_ , we _can’t let that happen_ … and _here’s_ why… you _see_ we only _just_ find out she’s back after being gone for _two years_ , only to find that she’s _half out of her mind_ because a man she _trusted_ … that we _ALL_ trusted, has _broken_ her very soul because he _lost his own mind_ and decided to _rape a woman he claimed to care for_ … does that sound like someone we would _entrust_ a dear friend _to_?”

                “I do not _care_ for your stories, Master Tethras… I only want my _betrothed_ and our _unborn child_ … if you will not step aside _freely_ , I will _make you_ move.”

                “Bianca says otherwise.”

                Hawke is in a mind to slug Sebastian until his sense returns when he starts to scream for Fenris.

                “FENRIS… _MY LOVE_ , COME OUT HERE! WE ARE TO BE _WED_ TODAY!”

                Hawke hears a strangled “NO!” behind him and the fire in his palm grows.

 

* * *

 

 

                “NO!”

                _He found me… just like I said… I should never have come here… he will kill me when he finds out I’ve purged his seed from inside me_ …

                Fenris clutches Isabela’s arm as the Pirate holds a dagger up with her free hand. Anders stands between them and the door, electricity dancing along his fingertips. They listen as Sebastian continues to argue with Varric and Hawke, though Fenris has yet to hear Hawke speak.

                _Maybe he wishes to hand me over after the way I treated him?_

                She starts to shake and Isabela instinctively moves her to stand completely behind her, but keeps her hand in Fenris’ the entire time. Fenris lowers her head to the Pirate’s shoulder, her dark locks fanning against Fenris’ ear and mingling with her white hair. She tries to calm her breathing and uses Isabela’s balance to keep herself from falling over. She thinks that maybe Sebastian has given up until she hears a scuffle and some grunting outside of the door to the clinic. Anders runs to the door and swings it open to help the others when Fenris hears Hawke’s voice howling in pain.

                “HAWKE!”

                _I am not a princess… I do not need saving_ …

                Isabela reaches for her, but Fenris’ markings flare and she feels the Pirate’s fingers phase through her skin as she runs clumsily to the door. She skids to a stop and grabs the frame of the door as she sees Hawke clutching an arrow that protrudes from his thigh as Sebastian has an arrow aimed at his heart. She only barely notices that Varric has Bianca aimed at his skull and Anders is on the verge of letting Justice loose, but the sight of Hawke hurt and in such a precarious position she can’t help but whimper. Hawke looks at her and his emotions, though roiling in his eyes for all to see, are so conflicting and ever changing that it is hard to pinpoint what exactly it is he is feeling- until his eyes focus on hers.

                _He would never give me up… never betray me… he would die first… I don’t deserve that from him… I don’t deserve his… his loyalty_ …

                She feels the tears building in her eyes and he must see her decision because he starts to shake his head.

                “ _No_ , Fenris… _don’t_ do it…”

                “I _can’t watch you die_ …”

                She looks at Sebastian and inwardly cringes as a possessive smile forms on his face.

                “ _Please_ don’t kill him… _Kirkwall_ still needs him… _please_ … _love_ …”

                She watches his face relax when she calls him love and she moves towards Sebastian. He lowers his bow and holds the arrow away from it as he opens his arms to her. She begins shaking the closer she gets to Sebastian and she feels tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She notices Aveline walking towards them slowly- her sword half drawn from its sheath.

                “Don’t cry, my love… everything will be perfect… just like she said…”

                _Who?_

                “Who, Sebastian?”

                He smiles at her for a moment before his eyes stare at the ground as though he is listening to something. She stands before him, curious at what he had said when she sees his brows furrow. He finally looks up at her, then looks towards Hawke. When Sebastian’s eyes fall back on her she feels her insides fall.

                “Do you _love me_?”

                _No_.

                “I…”

                Fenris just stares at him, her mouth open and stuck on the words she wants to say and the words he wishes to hear. She watches his face harden and anger fills his eyes.

                “Do you love _him_?”

                She watches him point towards Hawke and continues to hold her mouth open with a response stuck just before reaching her tongue. She felt many things, but she has never known what love is and she wasn’t sure she could ever know for sure if what she felt was anything close.

                “I don’t… know… I…”

                She watches Sebastian’s face fall and thinks that he looks so much like the man she remembered.

                “I’m sorry…”

                “No… I am sorry, Fenris…”

                “Sebastian…”

                He steps closer to her and with a sadness in his eyes that forces her to close her eyes she hears him whisper.

                “I’m sorry, Fenris… but if I can’t have you… no one can…”

                She opens her eyes in a snap, but only as a sharp piercing pain jolts through her side, under her ribs, and into her lung. She steps away from Sebastian as she hears shouting and looks down to see his arrow protruding from her armor. She had completely forgotten that he had been holding the one he planned to kill Hawke with. She looked back up to see Aveline smash the pommel of her sword against Sebastian’s temple and watched him fall to the ground. The next second had her staring at the ceiling of Darktown as Isabela helped her to the ground and rested Fenris’ head in her lap. She hears them all yelling and screaming at each other, but Hawke’s cuts through it all.

                “FENRIS! NO, _NONononono!_ ”

                She grunts out a moan and removes her shaking blood soaked hand from the shaft of the arrow imbedded into her side as Anders drops down next to her and starts assessing the damage and how to possibly remove the arrow. She can feel her chest growing tighter and she coughs to relieve the pressure, but she can taste the tang of blood in her mouth as she does.

                “The arrow punctured her lung… I can’t stop the bleeding until we pull the arrow out…”

                “It’s going to tear her up, pulling in back out…”

                “DO YOU HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS, ISABELA?”

                Hawke kneels down on the other side of her and lightly grabs her hand. She sees the panic in his eyes until he turns them towards the Abomination… towards Anders.

                “If she dies because you’re both too busy fighting I’ll kill you myself…”

                _Tempting_ …

                “ _Don’t tempt me_ …”

                She looks at the surprise in Hawke’s eyes- then turns her own to Anders incredulous ones.

                “ _What?_ Can you blame me…”

                She tries to smile, but knows it only comes across as a bloody grimace. Anders still rolls his eyes after a moment and then without preamble rips the arrow from her side.

                _DAMMIT, YOUSHOULDHAVEJUSTKILLEDME!!!_

                She yells out and her body shakes uncontrollably as it is ripped from her, but as soon as it is gone she feels her body go numb with shock and looks at Hawke with a strained smile plastered on her face as Anders heals her wounds.

                “ _Idiot Elf_ …”

                Hawke tucks some of her hair behind her ear and lowers his forehead to hers as she arches her back and moans from the pain as Anders knits her lung, muscle and tissue back together.

                “Don’t you _ever_ do anything like that again… _do you hear me_?”

                “I will make _no_ such _promises_ …”

                He laughs at her and kisses her forehead fiercely, not seeing her close her eyes at the touch. They watch as Aveline commands her guards to take Sebastian to the Gallows to be held for further questioning. She watches Hawke as he begins speaking to Aveline.

                _He kissed me… but_ …

                “Nice _timing_ , though you _could_ have stepped in a few moments sooner to keep _Fenris_ from almost dieing.”

                “ _Sorry_ , I thought he might just let it go and leave… it was my mistake… _forgive me_ , Fenris…”

                “There’s _nothing_ to forgive, Aveline…”

                She watches Aveline smile tentatively, not ready to forgive herself for the mistake, but she keeps it to herself. Aveline turns to leave, following her guards and the unconscious Sebastian, as Anders finishes healing her wounds.

                “As good as it’s going to get… it’ll just take time now… _especially_ after last night’s ordeal.”

                Fenris lets her head rest against Isabela’s thighs and looks at Anders for a moment.

                “Thank you, _Anders_.”

                “ _Wow_ … are you sure she isn’t _still_ _dying_ , Blondie?”

                Anders only shakes his head at the dwarf before he turns to her and smiles. She feels like her body has gone weeks without rest or nourishment and her eyes droop from exhaustion. She takes in a deep breath of Hawke’s musky woodsy scent and Isabela’s jasmine as her head lolls to the side.

                “She _needs_ rest… you can lay her on my cot in the clinic if you want…”

                “ _No_ … I’ll take her to my estate… Bodahn and I can take care of her as she rests on a _real bed_.”

                _His mother will not like this at all_ …

                “ _Alright_ … just let me know if you need me for anything.”

                She doesn’t hear Hawke’s response if he gives one, only feels him slide one of his arms under her shoulders and his other arm under her legs and stands, lifting her against his chest and she instantly wraps her arms around his neck, and burrows her face into his shoulder. He straightens and everyone gasps except her.

                “ _Hawke_ … you still have an _arrow_ in _your_ leg!”

                Fenris moves her head to look at him and moves to try and stand, but he grips her tighter and looks at her quickly- a scowl plastered on his face.

                “I am _not_ letting you _go_ …”

                Anders and the rest of them begin to protest until he actually growls at them all.

                “I… am _NOT_ … _LETTING HER GO_ … if you want to _fuss_ … _fine_ … but it can _wait_ until I get her _settled in bed_.”

                “ _Elliott_ …”

                Fenris watches his eyes grow wide for a moment as he gazes at her, then sees them soften.

                “I’m not letting you go, _Fenris_ … and that’s _final_ …”

                _I am not a princess… I don’t need saving… but… it is nice to know that he still cares… even if_ …

                “Alright.”

                She knows he can be just as stubborn as she is when he gets it into his head to be, so she only burrows her head back into the crook of his neck, his beard scratching against her cheek, and tightens her arms around him. He stumbles a few times, but Isabela, Varric, and Anders surround him as he walks them up the secret entrance through his estate.

                “So… _Elliott_ , huh?”

                “ _Shut up_ , Varric.”

                Fenris can hear Varric and Isabela snickering behind them and she can’t help but smile as she nuzzles her nose against Hawke’s pulse in his neck. He leans his scruffy beard against her temple, calls his magic around her, and envelopes her in all of the healing magic he can cast. She moans quietly and relaxes against him.

                _If anyone had told me I would enjoy a mage using his magic on me three years ago I would have ripped his heart from his chest without blinking… oh how things change…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, finally past the worst chapter :( now we'll be going into the healing and recovery process, but things are still going to be pretty angsty. Hoping this chapter doesn't seem to go to quickly... it was prewritten and I had to do a lot of rewriting and revising like I did with the last chapter, so please, if there are any inconsistencies I would appreciate any heads ups about them and as always, comments and kudos are adored :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris learns some things about Enla... Isabela has some words with Hawke...
> 
> Warnings- Slight mentions of things that happened when Fenris was raped... and non-explicit sex at the end.

                Fenris was growing more and more restless with each day that passed. Hawke had given himself the position of her annoyingly pleasant nurse-maid as he and Anders ordered her on bed rest until her injury was better healed. She probably would have been free to go back to the solitude of her mansion if she hadn’t panicked after waking in Hawke’s bed her first morning after the incident in front of Ander’s clinic.

                Hawke had apparently not told his fiancée of what had happened and had also not informed her that he would be sleeping in one of the guest rooms because she had entered his room and crawled on the bed, only to scream as she realized Hawke was not there. Fenris had startled awake, her markings flaring instinctually, and she had again used her newfound ability- effectively knocking the girl, ass-over-teakettle, off of the bed. Hawke had come running into the bedroom to find the girl screaming like a banshee against one of his wardrobes and Fenris standing in the farthest corner from her, lyrium markings shining bright, blood seeping down her side, and fear as plain as a summer sun on a cloudless day plastered on her face.

                She privately smiled to herself each time she thought about it, as Hawke had come running to her first (making sure she was alright and healing what he could of her wound to stop the bleeding), before checking on the girl and her incessant screeching and crying. Fenris figured the girl should be happy that Fenris hadn’t plunged her fist into the girl’s chest and crushed her heart, but kept the thought to herself as she had already seemed to cause her enough distress- in turn causing Hawke a lot of grief. Fenris had overheard them arguing outside of the bedroom door (after she had finally calmed down), and Fenris couldn’t help but feel responsible for putting Hawke in such a frustrating situation. He had dealt with enough in his life. Losing all of his family. His mother last- while she was a sea away.

                _I am fine enough now… Hawke and… Anders, should not still think I should be kept to this bed… especially if the same amenities can be found in my room at the mansion_ …

                Fenris sat up and began re-braiding her hair when the door slowly creaked open. She expected it to be Hawke, as he was the only one who usually came to check on her as of late, and she started speaking as her gaze was glued to the tips of her silvery hair.

                “I want to _thank you_ for allowing me to _heal_ in your home… but I think it is _best_ if I…”

                She lifted her gaze finally and closed her mouth as her green eyes locked with another pair of green eyes. Enla stood next to the side of the bed closest to the door and gazed at Fenris with a forced smile and her hands clasped in front of her. Fenris held still as stone as Enla moved to sit on the edge of the bed and she watched as the girl smoothed her hand against the covers next to her. Fenris wasn’t sure what the girl could want from her, but she could tell there was something she wished to say to Fenris.

                “ _Mmm_ … these sheets are quite lovely, _aren’t they?_ ”

                _I suppose so_ …

                Fenris remains quiet and looks back to the tips of her hair quickly before again returning her attention to the girl next to her. She watched Enla’s smile grow into a toothy grin, though it never lost its fakeness, and felt her skin crawl when it was fully turned to her.

                “I am sorry for staring… it’s just that… _well_ … you remind me so much of my _sister_ …”

                _Me? Ummm_ …

                “… well… maybe not the _odd white hair_ or _unnatural markings_ … but, your _eyes_ … your _ethereal beauty_ …”

                She wasn’t sure what to say and kept herself from speaking as Enla stood from the bed and made her way to the wardrobe she had leaned against that first morning. Fenris watched her warily as she opened one of the doors and pulled out a delicate white dress and held it against herself.

                It only took a moment for Fenris to realize what the dress was made for.

                “ _Beautiful_ , isn’t it? You see the back _here_ … it opens almost _all the way down my back_ … only _this_ gold chain here at the top keeps it from falling _right off of me_ …”

                Fenris looked into Enla’s eyes as she paused and she could easily see the smug hatred that was festering there. She wished she could transport herself to her mansion so she wouldn’t have to endure this girl’s jealousy, but with only being able to walk out the front door and more than likely being forced to explain why she was leaving so abruptly she instead sat and pretended to be unaffected by Enla’s jibes.

                “… I figured I’d give _Elliott_ an easy time the night of our _wedding_ … not that I haven’t already felt those sheets against mine and Elliott’s _naked skin_ …”

                _That’s it… I’ve done nothing to deserve your ire, bitch… two can play at this game_ …

                “Hmm… _poor Hawke_ … he always did deserve _something_ to come easy in his life for once… _HA_ … I guess I cannot feel surprised that he _now_ seems to run to _me_ first… Hawke always did enjoy a _challenge_ more than being _handed_ anything…”

                She expected open rage from the girl, but instead received another fake smile before she turned and put away her wedding dress. After primping the fabric and making sure it was securely inside the wardrobe, she closed the doors and slowly walked to the side of the bed closest to Fenris.

                _Don’t touch me, girl_ …

                “You _really are_ so much like my sister…”

                Enla sat on the edge of the bed, not even moving as Fenris tensed and her markings began to glow

                “… _she thought she was better than me too_ … thought she could _get away with taking away everything that was mine_ … but I taught her a lesson… _of course_ she didn’t know that it was _me_ … couldn’t have our parents _sending me away_ when she deserved the punishment she got…”

                _Maker… there is something wrong with this girl… and Hawke wishes to marry her?_

                “… You see… she was _so beautiful_ … and she _knew_ … she _knew_ how I felt about _him_ , but she _pursued him anyways_ … I found them _kissing_ behind our family’s barn… he was kissing her how I had imagined him kissing _me_ … so I taught her a lesson… I dressed in boys clothing and covered my face… and I pretended to sneak into our bedroom… I covered her mouth and I _cut her_ … I cut her _lips_ … I cut her _pretty cheeks_ … cut out her _beautiful heart_ _from behind her beautiful breast_ …”

                Fenris stared at Enla, horror etched along her eyes and apparent in the set of her jaw. She knew then that she couldn’t let Hawke go through with it. She couldn’t let this girl hurt him.

                “… I taught her… _you should never steal things from your sister_ …”

                Fenris stomped out her need to flee and gave Enla the coldest stare she could when Hawke walked in.

                “What about a sister?”

                _Did he hear her? No… he wouldn’t be smiling_ …

                “ _My sweet Elliott_ … I was just telling _Fenris_ about my _sister_ … how she reminded me so much of her…”

                “Really?”

                _Come on Hawke… you cannot be that blind_ …

                “Yes… I told her that, _if she liked_ , maybe her and I could become _just as close_ … it is _up to her_ though.”

                _Threatening me? Not a good idea_ …

                “Not on your life.”

                “ _FENRIS_!”

                Fenris looked to Hawke and balked at his look of disbelief. She couldn’t understand how any of them could be so blind to Enla’s true nature. She had felt it the moment she met her.

                _This is ridiculous_ …

                “You can’t seriously be that _blind_ , Hawke… she’s _psychotic_ … her _‘sister’_ is _dead_ … you know _how_? SHE _KILLED_ HER!”

                She watched Enla gasp dramatically before she masterfully began crying and stood from the bed to rush to Hawke’s arms. Fenris growled under her breath.

                _Well done… I suppose I can see how they’ve fallen for your mask_ …

                “Fenris… what is _wrong_ with you? Enla’s sister was murdered, _yes_ … but _Enla_ didn’t do it, _she’s_ the one who _found_ her sister… she was _devastated_ by her death…”

                _‘Fenris… what is wrong with you?’… He doesn’t believe me… not even a slight hesitation in defending her_ …

                Fenris felt her anger turn to defeat and removed the blankets covering herself so she could stand. Her side ached deep inside and she had to grit her teeth when she stood up. She had only just begun wearing the special leathers that made up most of her normal armor as it caused her markings the least amount of pain and discomfort of anything she tried to wear- all she had to do was buckle her chest plate and refasten her gauntlets and she was ready for battle.

                “Fenris… _what are you doing_?”

                _What am I doing?_

                “I’m leaving… _what does it look like_ …”

                “ _Fenris_ …”

                _I can see when I’m not wanted… and believe me it’s easy to see_ …

                Fenris didn’t respond as she fastened her sword to her back, only grunting in pain as she stretched her side a little too far. She started towards the door and glared at Enla only to grow even angrier as the girl cowered into Hawke’s side- as though she were afraid Fenris would attack her.

                _If only_ …

                She was about to walk past Hawke when he reached out a hand and touched Fenris’ arm. As if his fingers pushed them into her mind, images of Sebastian’s hands on her flashed in her mind, his teeth sinking into her neck, the smile on his face when he was done violating her.

                “ _DON’T TOUCH ME!_ ”

                Fenris’ markings pulsed along with her beating heart and her anger turned to a seething rage as Hawke looked on her with pity.

                “I’m _sorry_ … I…”

                “Don’t be… _goodbye Hawke_ …”

                _I will never put you in a position to get hurt by me again_ … _and I will not let you or her hurt me again either_ …

                “ _FENRIS_ …”

                Fenris ignored him and hobbled down the stairs and out the door of Hawke’s estate. No one bothered her. No one followed her. Not even Hawke.

 

* * *

 

 

                _She couldn’t be right… could she?_

                Elliott looked down at the woman cowering in his arms and tried to imagine her murdering her own sister. Just then Enla looks up at him and as the tears stream down her face his mind fights with his heart. He doesn’t want to believe it, but…

                _You haven’t seen Fenris for two years… do you really still know her as well as you used to?_

                Hawke didn’t want to believe her and his mind told him over and over again that Fenris was wrong, but his heart was another matter.

 

* * *

 

 

                “You said… you _promised_ …”

                _‘You can have her still… just accept me… completely… and you and Fenris will spend the rest of eternity together.’_

                “You promised… but you _lied_ … how can I trust you now?”

                _‘Just let me in, Sebastian… just let me in…’_

                “No… I want Fenris… the _REAL_ Fenris… _leave me_ …”

 

* * *

 

 

                _Guard rotations are up… I wonder if I asked Fenris to help train the recruits if it would help keep her busy… keep her mind off of Sebastian and what he did to her… sick bastard… wonder how he’s feeling now that he’s behind bars_ …

                As Aveline drew nearer to the prisons she watched Guardsman Kormic quickly pull out his keys, fumble about with them, before finally shoving a key into the door next to him and opened it for her. He saluted her the moment she stood before him, and she dismissed him just as quickly, before she walked through the open door.

                _Maybe Sebastian can explain what possessed him to rape Fenris, and then try to kill her the very next day_.

                “You said… you _promised_ …”

                _Who is he talking to?_

Aveline slowed her steps to Sebastian’s cell and listened for any reply to his rambling.

                None came.

                “You promised… you _lied_ … how can I trust you now?”

                She watched him rock back and forth on the cot he was given to sleep on. His hands were submerged in his hair and his elbows seemed to burrow deeper into his legs with each rock forward. She couldn't help but shiver when Sebastian finally spoke again.

                “No… I want Fenris… the _REAL_ Fenris… _leave me_ …”

                _It’s not possible… he can’t be possessed_ …

                “ _Maker!_ ”

                “Who… _WHO’S THERE?_ _AVELINE_! AVELINE… is _Fenris_ with you? _PLEASE_ … I _need_ to _see her_ … I _love_ her… _I NEED HER!_ ”

                Aveline only watched silently as Sebastian begged and pleaded for Fenris (sometimes rambling about them being destined for each other), but with each moment that she stood stone-still he grew more and more agitated, until he began screaming and she couldn’t take it any longer. She walked from the prisons and didn’t stop until she was safely inside of her office, but his screams continued to ring inside her head regardless of the distance between them.

 

* * *

 

 

                “Just a _little bit more_ …”

                _Click!_

                “ _GOTCHA!_ ”

                Isabela walks through Hawke’s now opened front door and whistles as she leaves the foyer. A stout dwarf stumbles over words as he tries to order her out and she just smiles sweetly at him before she gives him a better view of the twins. He blushes and stumbles over his words a little more until he tells her that Hawke is in his room just up the stairs and straight back.

                _I could have found it on my own… this is no fun now_ …

                She sways her hips as she slowly makes her way up the stairs, but stops halfway up and smiles wickedly before she throws a leg over the bannister and slowly slides down it until her bare ass hits the post at the bottom. She looks around and notices a different dwarf just standing in the corner watching her. Not saying a word.

                “ _Oh… kay_ …”

                _Now it’s time I claim this territory as my own_ …

                Isabela runs around to the other side of the stairs and pulls out a small dagger from her boot before she starts carving into the stone of the bannister. She bites her lip to keep her giggles low and continues to ignore the silent dwarf until she’s finished.

                “ _There_ … now Hawke’s _future generations_ will learn to _never_ want to touch this bannister again.”

                She licked her lips as she sauntered around back to the stairs and began her ascent to Hawke’s room again. After watching the way Hawke had reacted when Fenris was hurt she had hoped that she was right in thinking that his engagement was a farce- put on display to hurt Fenris if she returned to Kirkwall. She had seen Fenris close her eyes reverently when Hawke had kissed her forehead, seen her eyes linger on him whenever she could get away with it, even inwardly swooned when Fenris called Hawke by his given name and he had sworn he wasn’t letting her go.

                _Those two need to screw each other into Oblivion… and let me watch as they do_ …

                As she neared Hawke’s bedroom door she could hear noises emanating from behind it and smiled smugly when the moans and grunts became clearer. She slowly opened the door and leaned against the doorframe with a smile as she watched Hawke’s muscled back twitch and quiver with his thrusts. He had the blankets pulled up so she couldn’t get a clear view of his rear, or the recipient of his thrusting. She kept watching, wanting to keep the memory of this embedded in her mind so she could ride out her own pleasure to it later. That was until the arms that came up to circle Hawke’s neck shown pale and unmarked, not caramel with beautiful lyrium whorls.

                “WHAT THE FUCK! _THAT’S NOT FENRIS!_ ”

                Hawke and the woman (the one who wasn’t Fenris) scrambled and yelped as they covered themselves from her view. The girl looked murderous and Hawke looked annoyed.

                “Isabela… _what are you doing in my room?_ ”

                “What am I doing in your room, _what the FUCK are YOU DOING?_ ”

                “WHO IN THE VOID ARE _YOU_?”

                _Hmm, feisty_ …

                “ _Shush_ , Kitten… the _grown-ups_ are talking.”

                “ _Isabela_ …”

                “ _EXCUSE ME?_ GET OUT OF HERE, _WHORE_!”

                “ _Enla_ …”

                _Oooh… name calling are we?_

                “Hawke… you haven’t _answered_ me… _WHERE_ … _IS_ … _FENRIS?_ ”

                _Damn men letting your dick’s think first_ …

                “She stormed out a few hours ago…”

                “ _AND_ …?”

                _Is he really fucking this little twit instead of making sure Fenris is ok?_

                “And _what_ , Isabela!?! She _walked out_ … am I supposed to _hold her here against her will?_ ”

                _Don’t do it, Hawke_ …

                “I EXPECT YOU TO AT LEAST MAKE SURE SHE’S _OKAY_ BEFORE YOU _DIP YOUR STICK IN THE NEAREST HOLE THE MOMENT AFTER SHE LEAVES!_ ”

                “HOW _DARE_ YOU…”

                “OH, do _SHUT UP!_ ”

                “ _Isabela_ , I think it’s time you _left_.”

                _Dammit Hawke_ …

                “Don’t do it, Hawke… _don’t you dare_ …”

                “ _Don’t do what_ , Isabela?”

                Isabela held the door to Hawke’s room open so she could walk out, but before she left his room she turned and shook her head at him. Her disappointment in him clear on her face.

                “ _Don’t make me regret convincing her to come back with me_.”

                She left after that, happy in that she could see the hurt in Hawke’s eyes the moment she finished talking, but she was not looking forward to seeing the state her best friend was in only a few houses away. She had watched Fenris begin to bloom into an independent and strong willed woman during their two years away (had gotten her to accept touch a little easier too), and she’d have to seriously contemplate killing the two people in the room behind her if they ruined her ‘ _budding flower_ ’ in any way.

                _Damn you, Hawke… and DAMN THAT LITTLE BITCH TOO!_

               

               

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst (sorry, not sorry). Though this chapter was hard to write for me for some reason :/ maybe cause I hate hurting Fenris, but I pushed through cause there will be sunshine at the end of this dark damn rainbow... I promise... it's just gotta make it through the storm first. Let me know what you think... comments are like coffee (can't live without it... well... I could, but... what am I talking about, no I can't), to drink is to survive. :D Happy weekend :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some fluffy friendship in this chapter... just kidding... you know I'm gonna throw some angst in there :P

                Fenris’ injured side felt raw against her armor, but she ignored it as well as she ignored the pain from her markings. She had returned to her mansion and fumed as she sharpened and cleaned her sword and armor to near perfection (the way she had been taught when she was still a slave), besides the slight tear, where Sebastian had stabbed her, that had yet to be mended. After she had finished that she had slowly hobbled to the wine cellar and lugged back a few full bottles to her room.

                That is where Isabela found her- half drunk and scowling.

                “That looks _comfortable_.”

                Fenris lifted her head from where it hung from the side of her favorite chair. Her legs were dangling from the other arm and the hand holding her current bottle of wine now hung near the floor. She only glared at her friend before laying her head back down and lifting the wine bottle in offer to Isabela.

                “You _know_ I don’t drink that _frilly stuff_.”

                _Frilly stuff_ …

                “Suit yourself… _more for me_ …”

                She noticed Bela walk in and make herself comfortable on the chair across from her- mirroring her resting position. Figuring Bela knew, at least somewhat, why Fenris was back in her mansion she was dreading her friend bringing it up and just kept quiet… waiting.

                Of course she didn’t wait long.

                “So that _Enla_ is a real _piece of work_ , isn’t she…”

                “I’d prefer _not_ to talk about the _psycho_ Hawke has allowed in his bed… it is _his problem_ … not mine…”

                “ _Psycho?_ ”

                “Just _forget_ it, Bela… I don’t wish to speak of it anymore…”

                “ _Alright_ , Tiger.”

                They sat in silence for a while, just watching the flames in the fireplace snap and crack as the wood burned. Fenris felt her lids become heavy and with the smell of Jasmine all around her she felt herself relax in a way she hadn’t felt herself do in over a week. She knew it was because she had grown accustomed to the pirate’s presence when she slept and it caused her to slip right into a deep relaxation within moments.

                She felt the air shift and her hair wafted slightly as Isabela walked to the wood pile and grabbed a few more logs for the fire. Fenris was only vaguely aware of her movements, so she was startled to her feet when she felt the tie in her hair being tugged free.

                “ _WHAT ARE YOU DOING?_ ”

                “Calm down, _Tiger_ … just lay back down and _relax_ … I was just going to comb through your _rat’s nest_ of a _braid_.”

                _It is not a rat’s nest_ …

                “Oh _don’t give me that look_ , Kitten… it isn’t _that_ bad… just lay back down… you _need_ to rest.”

                Fenris just glowered at Isabela, but straightened for a moment before retaking her resting pose on the chair. She kept her eyes open and trained on the looming pirate, her scowl never wavering, until Isabela cracked her knuckles and kneeled down by Fenris’ head. Her muscles were ridged and stiff as she felt Isabela’s fingers begin sliding through her white locks. After only a few moments her body relaxed and her eyes closed with a pleasant heaviness.

                A slight rumbling vibrated from her throat without conscious thought.

                “ _There it is_ …”

                “Not another word, _Pirate_.”

                “ _Spoilsport_.”

 

* * *

 

 

                It was a whole week more before she was even allowed to go on missions without getting an earful from Isabela and a few weeks more after that before she was back to normal- no twinges or stabs of pain… only the ever present burn of her markings.

                Each night Isabela had stopped by and either sat in silence, spoke of one paramour or another asking for her hand, or combed her fingers through Fenris’ hair until she fell asleep. She wasn’t sure when Isabela had found time to bed so many men, since she had become almost a constant shadow of Fenris’ since returning to Kirkwall, but she knew it would only lead to crude imagery of Isabela or her beau’s in precarious positions and she wasn’t much in the mood to deal with that just yet.

                Things with Hawke stayed tense for a while (especially when Enla was nearby), but she was glad to see that it never seemed to deter him from asking her along on missions where slavers had been heard to be squatting or good coin could be made.

                Still… always at the back of her mind were Danarius and Hadriana.

                No surprise that Hawke noticed.

 

* * *

 

 

                He watched her search through another mage’s pack, emptying the contents out onto the ground beneath them, but even as the coins and trinkets fell he noticed it wasn’t what she was searching for.

                _She’s been worrying about Danarius_.

                “ _We’ll find them,_ Fenris…”

                She looked up at him and nodded, but her attention was not fully on him and he watched her retreat into her own thoughts for a time before he walked towards her and lightly touched her arm. With the pleasant tingling that zipped through his fingers he was surprised to see that she didn’t flinch from him. The only outward show of her own surprise was the brief flash of her markings. She finally looked at him and kept her focus directed at him when he spoke.

                “We’ll find _Danarius and Hadriana_ … we’ll _find them_ and we’ll _kill them_ … _together_ …”

                _Always together_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris lifted her eyes from her cards and caught Hawke watching her for the third time since they began playing. She couldn’t stop her cheeks and the tips of her ears from reddening, but she kept her stoic expression up like a wall of steel.

                Memories of their short time together after the Deep Roads replay over and over through her mind and she folds her cards after she realizes in her daze that Isabela had raised the pot to a sovereign each. She watches Hawke call her raise and as he puts in his coin he can’t seem to look away from Fenris. She doesn’t remove her eyes from his this time.

                _Maker help me… he will be the death of me_ …

                “ _Festis bei umo canavarum._ ”

                “What’s that, _Kitten_?”

                “Your _extra card_ is showing.”

                Isabela glanced down to see just the corner edge of a card slipping up from her cleavage.

                “You _backstabbing bitches_ …”

 

* * *

 

 

                _Plans are coming along great… almost everything is ready. I just need to get this trip with my parents done and once I’m back Elliott and I will be married… then this tattooed, knife-eared, bitch can move on and leave us alone_ …

                Enla walked with the tray of drinks for Elliott’s Wicked Grace group and walked into the dwarf’s suite just as Fenris seemed to fold her hand. She watched Fenris train her eyes on Elliott and fumed.

                _Well… maybe I’ll have to do a little searching before this trip… she wants to mess with my things… she’ll regret it_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                _Okay Hawke… keep with the smoldering eyes at Broody and I’m either gonna puke or write it in my next book_ …

                Varric watches Enla saunter into his suite with a tray of ale for them all and he smiles until he notices her expression. A sense of foreboding over-takes him and he loses his smile.

                _Nug shit… this is not going to end well_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                _You bitches are supposed to help me, not **give away my winning card** … damn… oooh, cheap swill… oh… this bitch_…

                Isabela was not in the mood for the little twit’s jealousy, but she could always secretly enjoy that Hawke didn’t seem to notice his fiancée all the while as she lowered her tray and stared between him and Fenris. She bristled as she turned her glare on Isabela’s best friend, but was stopped from reacting as Varric grabbed a pint and hit her with it to grab her attention.

                “ _Show me your hand_ , Rivaini… and I _better not see that card the twins outed you with_.”

                _Damn_ …

                “Buncha damn _spoilsports!_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

                _Stop looking at her, Elliott_ …

                He looks up quickly and notices her staring back at him. He looks away quickly, but his eyes find themselves returning to her again a moment later. He can see the slight redness to her cheeks and ears and his heart beats a little faster.

                _What are you doing? You’re engaged to another woman… you’re happy… right?_

                Elliott’s hand is garbage, but he wants to see if he can bluff his way to the earnings in the center of the table. Granted he hasn’t even been paying that close attention during this hand with his eyes constantly wandering to the woman two seats down from him. She folds her hand and he feels his heart staccato in his chest as Fenris lifts her gaze to his and doesn’t look away. He calls Isabela’s bet, slowly laying down his coins in the center of the pile, and holds his breath as he watches Fenris’ eyes dilate until almost all of the green is gone. She says something in Arcanum under her breath, but he can’t make out the words so he can ask her about it later- though he’s sure he’s heard her say them before.

                _You **are** happy, Elliott… when **she’s** here_ …

                He watched Fenris finally look away and nod towards Isabela, seeing a smirk tweak one end of her lips- he doesn’t listen to anything they’re saying as a tray of ale is sat before them. He breathes out the air in his lungs as he finally notices the tension mounting in the room. He looks over and for a moment sees the murderous look in Enla’s eyes… only they’re directed at Fenris, not him.

                _She would never… she’d never hurt one of my friends… would she?_

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the movers have all of our things packed and they're loading it all into the truck tomorrow. Then begins two days of deep cleaning our old house before we move out of state :D EEEEKKK!!! Anyways, I wanted to get this chapter done before then cause I'm gonna be hella busy with this move and unpacking for the next week or so and I'm not sure how much time I'll have for writing during that time, so... hopefully this chapter can hold you all over until the next chapter :)
> 
> As always, comments are amazing, kudos are awesome, and if you just stopped by to read this fic for the first time :D welcome to my madness :D <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enla shows her true colors to Hawke... Fenris fumes and drinks wine... Hawke has some news for Fenris... Isabela plans like a pirate.

                After their last Wicked Grace game, Fenris had not heard from or seen Hawke for over two weeks. It wasn’t completely unusual, but with him being engaged to a psycho she had worried… until she crawled down from his roof and crouched on the sill of his window.

                She could see him sitting on the edge of his bed, his bare back facing her, and his head in his hands. His shoulders rose and fell slowly, telling her that he was alive at least, when the urge to go to him and comfort him filled her.

                _Always so strong and solid for everyone_ … _but no one to be strong and solid for you_ … _that’s not true though… he has Enla_ …

                She touched her marked fingers to the glass pane separating her from him and wished that it was the _only_ thing separating them. Looking down to her bent knees, her braided hair dangling down past the arch in her chest plate, she couldn’t help but hate herself even more for the refuse she had added to their predicament over the years. Now… now she had only herself to blame as she watched Hawke’s back stiffen and straighten (his armor buckling back into place) as the door to his room opened. When Fenris realizes that its Enla she expects to see Hawke slump back down and ‘ _unbuckle his armor_ ’, but his tenseness stays.

                “My sweet Elliott… I don’t want to fight anymore…”

                _They fight? I thought she could do no wrong?... Stop it… stop being petty, Fenris…_

                “…I want to put this all behind us and move forward… can we do that?”

                “Do you still _forbid me_ from seeing _Fenris_ ever again?”

                _What?_

                “Elliott.”

                “I’ll take that as a _yes?_ … then _no_ … _we can’t_ …”

                “ _Elliott_ …”

                Fenris watches Enla move in front of Hawke and she can hear her whispering, but can’t make out what she’s saying. Her heart drops when she sees Hawke’s head fall and he nods yes to whatever she’s said. She hears her whisper a little more before she yells.

                “FUCK ME!”

                Hawke stiffens more and after a moment Fenris sees Hawke surge to his feet and pin Enla against the wall. She turns her eyes away, pretending the excess moisture is from staring near the light of Hawke’s fire for too long, and not from witnessing him agreeing to never seeing her again… and in the process breaking his promise to help her defeat Danarius.

                _I don’t need him… this changes **nothing** … I will kill Danarius alone… or I will die trying_…

 

* * *

 

 

                _First Father… then Beth… Carver… Mother… what else am I to lose before the Maker is happy? This city would destroy itself if I let it… gangs… blood mages… Templars with god complexes… Qunari… Chantry fanatics… the Viscount breathing down my neck… ugh… I’m so tired_ …

                Elliott hears the nob for his door turning and he stiffens. He knows only a few people who would come in without knocking, and none of them are the person he wants to see walk through that door. Enla’s auburn hair shows first, followed by a patronizing frown, when she opens the door the rest of the way and walks in.

                “My sweet Elliott… I don’t want to fight anymore…”

                _Neither do I… more so than you can imagine_ …

                “…I want to put this all behind us and move forward… can we do that?”

                _How do I tell you… I’m not sure we can any longer_ …

                “Do you still _forbid me_ from seeing _Fenris_ ever again?”

                _Sorry, but that’s never going to happen… I made her a promise… but we’ve argued about this for a week now_ …

                “Elliott.”

                He can hear it in the tone of her voice. She’ll never change her mind, no matter how many times he tells her that he and Fenris are only friends, she’ll never believe him and she’ll make his life hell if he goes against her wishes.

                “I’ll take that as a _yes?_ … then _no_ … _we can’t_...”

                Her eyes flash for a moment before she says his name. He watches her clench her teeth before she walks towards him and stands in front of his spread knees. She breathes through her nose, but the look in her eyes stays.

                Jealous. Possessive.

                “ _Do you love her?_ ”

                _How can I deny the truth from her any longer… she needs to know_ …

                Elliott looks down at his clasped hands as they rest in his lap and nods his head yes. He waits for the sting of a slap, or a punch to the chest, but nothing comes… until whispered words of venom start pouring out of her mouth.

                “ _She’s a slave… she’ll always be a slave… and a slave needs a master… you wanna fuck her… you wanna fuck her like you_ FUCK ME!”

                _Fenris was right… she was right about Enla… I am such an idiot_ …

                “ _Maybe that’s what she wants… to be fucked by a mage so she can remember what it was like being fucked by Danarius_ …”

                Elliott wasn’t going to listen to this a moment longer.

                He surged to his feet and clutched Enla’s arms, slamming her against the wall. His magic was roiling inside him and he had to hold it back to keep from hurting her, but _oh how he wanted to_.

                “ _The wedding is off… you’ll get all of your things sent to your house… I don’t want to see you around here ever again… you’ll stay away from me… and you’ll stay away from my friends… now GET… OUT!_ ”

                The anger in her eyes only intensified, but Elliott releases her arms and steps back as she moves from the wall. He watches her march towards the wardrobe she stores her things in and rips the doors open to grab her cloak. He was only slightly surprised to see her grab her wedding gown along with her cloak. She left the wardrobe doors wide open and stomped towards to door to leave, but before she walked out she stopped and looked at Elliott a final time.

                “This isn’t over… we’ll… _NEVER… be over_ …”

                Elliott’s stomach dropped and did flips at the same time as she walked out and closed his bedroom door behind her. His heart pounded in his chest, racing like a dragon chasing its prey, but he also felt a weight lifting from him that he hadn’t even realized was there until the moment it left. He wasn’t sure how he had let his life get to where it was, but he was sure Varric could inform him of his own stupidity easily enough to remedy that.

                But it wasn’t Varric that Elliott wanted to talk to.

 

~

 

                Fenris’ knees still ached from the jump down off the eaves of one of the mansion’s windows, but she ignored it as she slammed the side door closed and stormed up to her room. She loosened her sword and carefully leaned it against the hearth before she turned and stormed to the room next to hers.

                Her room only had a few pieces of furniture left.

                And she needed something to destroy.

                “ _Vishante kaffas!_ ”

                _I don’t care… I… do… not… care_ …

                She lifted a chair above her head and smashed it to the floor. The legs in her hands came away first and she grabbed the seat, lifting it again, to finish destroying it. When it was in pieces she moved to a dresser and began pulling out the drawers. Clothing and other odd things fell with each one, but she only added them to the pile for burning.

                She finished destroying the dresser when she felt her anger turning to self-loathing, and there was only one thing in the mansion she knew that would go well with that.

                _Let’s see what’s left_ …

                She threw down the broken pieces of the dresser she held and walked out of the room and down the stairs to head to the cellar. Her traitorous mind replayed the image of Hawke shaking his head yes as her feet led her down another set of stairs. She absentmindedly looked about at the racks; a little surprised that there seemed to be only about a third of the cellar left, and grabbed two bottles before heading back up the stairs.

                She was pulling down a large mouthful of the newly opened bottle when she walked back into her room… and almost choked on her wine.

                Hawke was pacing in her room.

                “ _That was quick_.”

                _Kaffas… did I say that out loud?_

                “Huh?... _FENRIS!_... Sorry… I wasn’t sure if you were home… so I figured I’d wait…”

                She swallowed another mouthful of wine before setting the two bottles down and moving to rekindle the fire. Hawke continued to pace as she threw broken kindling on the remaining ash and embers. Fenris wondered if Hawke only came to inform her of his decision to abandon her and her heart clenched at the thought. She stood to grab the broken things from the room next to hers when he finally spoke.

                “ _I called it off_ …”

                _He called it… he called it off… but_ …

                “… the wedding… _it’s_ … you were _right_ … about her… and… and _I’m sorry_ …”

                Fenris turned around to stare at Hawke, her jaw clenching and unclenching with the opposing urges to speak or keep quiet, but Hawke didn’t wait for her to decide. He aggressively ruffled his hands through his hair and sat in the chair next to hers.

                “ _Maker’s breath_ … I’ve felt like I might _float away_ since I told her…”

                _So was that rough shove to the wall the start to their break-up sex? I never thought Hawke the type_ …

                “It seems I’ll have to attend the ball _alone_ now… I suppose that’s best…”

                _Ball?_...

                “A _ball_?”

                “ _Ah_ … yes… it’s being held in my mother’s honor… some _over-privileged_ noble trying to gain my support for _something or other_ … it’s being held a week from now… _HA_ … and I don’t even remember who it is that’s hosting it… _is that bad?_ ”

                _Um_ …

                “I…”

                “ _Yes_ … yes, I suppose I should make sure to figure that out before I go…”

                _Yes… that’s probably a smart idea_ …

                “ _Shit_ … I suppose I should probably inform Bodahn that Enla is not allowed inside the estate any longer… _I’m sorry_ … I just… needed to tell someone… and… _well_ … I figured if anyone deserved to know first… it was _you_.”

                Fenris watched Hawke bolt to his feet and stride towards her. She couldn’t seem to shake the shocked surprise from her body when he stops before her and lifts his hands to touch her. Something in her eyes must stop him because his hands only hover near her face for a moment before he pulls them back and clenches his fingers into fists. He looks at her and smiles shyly before he turns to leave.

                He stops at the door.

                “See you _later_?”

                “ _Sure_ , Hawke.”

                Fenris watched him skip down the stairs, like a boy, and realized she was still staring minutes after he had closed her front door.

                _He didn’t abandon me_ …

 

~

 

                Isabela strolled into Fenris’ mansion, whistling a pirate tune, with a skip for each step she took. She knew Hawke had left here only a few hours ago. He had informed Varric of his calling off the wedding and, being the pirate she is, she listened in on their entire conversation.

                _‘Bout damn time, Hawke_ …

                “Ohh… _Fennnriiiisss_ …”

                “Up here, Bela.”

                _Oooh… she’s definitely happy_ …

                She skips up each step with a giggle escaping her every few steps. Idea after idea was running through her head and she couldn’t wait to talk to Fenris about them. She knew she’d have to do a whole lot of convincing, but she had her ways of getting people to see things her way.

                Stopping in the door, she leaned against the frame and jutted out her hip, smiling at Fenris all the while.

                “No.”

                _Hey now_ …

                “You haven’t even _heard_ what I was going to say…”

                “ _I know you_ … the answer is no.”

                “ _But_ …”

                “No.”

                _Hmm… gonna have to bring out the big guns on this_ …

                “Fine…”

                “ _Fine_?”

                “ _YES. Fine_.”

                Fenris eyes her warily, but goes back to her bottle of wine and rests back against the arm of her preferred chair. Isabela saunters over to her innocently and stops behind Fenris’ head. She sees her friend turn her head slightly to look at her before flipping her braid behind her and going back to drinking her wine.

                _That’s my girl_ …

                Isabela pulls the tie from the end of the thick braid and begins loosening the three thick ropes of silvery hair and starts to run her fingers through them. Fenris leans her head against the back of her chair and sure enough… she begins to purr.

                She waits until she’s massaging Fenris’ scalp before she starts talking.

                “You know he would be _happily surprised_ to _see you there_ …”

                “ _Bela_ …”

                “Just hear me out… _pleeaassseee?_ ”

                _Come on, Tiger_ …

                “Ugh… _fine_ … but only because _I’ll kill you if you stop doing what you’re doing_ …”

                _YES! Score one. Pirate_.

                “You would _never_ …”

                “I _might_ …”

                Isabela left an hour later; Fenris sleeping soundly in her chair, and her with an agreement to acquire a dress to their agreed upon design for the ball.

                She happily whistled her pirate tune, twirling her favorite daggers in each hand, as she skipped back to Lowtown.

                _Hawke isn’t gonna know what hit him_ …

               

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my office/library/quiet space is finished and practically everything is unpacked in our new house :D so hopefully this chapter makes up for the long absence and hopefully I'll be able to post regularly again. I've got the rest of this series in the story mapped out, so :D
> 
> Kudos and Comments are like kitty purrs and coffee to my soul ;D


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aveline hates nobles... Hawke finds some things... Fenris and Hawke talk and have a sleepover.

                “He is _Royalty of Starkhaven_. You _cannot_ keep him here. We will take him and make sure that he is well cared for in his state.”

                “ _In his state_? He is _possessed_ and needs to be contained at all times… for his safety _AND_ the safety of others.”

                “We have seen no signs of _possession_ and he is not a _mage_. I find it _highly unlikely_ that a _demon_ is the case in this situation. The _Prince_ needs _medical attention_ … and he is _clearly_ not receiving the proper treatment here.”

                _This is madness… they wish to take him and what… fluff his pillows and feed him sweet meats and hope for the best?_

                “The Viscount will hear about this…”

                “The _Viscount_ _approved_ _this_ … he does not wish to _hinder_ the Prince’s _recovery_ and sees the validity in sending him home.”

                _Hawke is not going to like this… not one bit_ …

                Aveline watched the Starkhaven delegate motion to the guards flanking him and they shouldered past her to open Sebastian’s cell before they lifted him and walked him past her. She continued glaring at the stuffed up noble in front of her until Sebastian was pulled past her.

                “ _Tell Fenris I love her… tell her I love her and that I’ll be back for her… tell her…_ ”

                Aveline only continued glaring at the delegate.

 

* * *

 

 

                Elliott looked about his room, searching for anything else that belonged to Enla, and spotted a box resting at the bottom of his wardrobe. He couldn’t remember placing it there and figured it was just more of Enla’s things until he pulled out the box and lifted the lid.

                _That’s where those went_ …

                A necklace that had belonged to Beth, one his father had helped him purchase for her when she turned sixteen… Carver’s matching cuffs… and…

                _Never did I think I’d have the chance to give this to her_ …

                Hawke pulled the book from the bottom of the box and examined the cover. It was still worn and used, but not any worse than when he found it. Fenris had already been gone a year, him and Enla beginning to grow more and more serious with their relationship, and yet he couldn’t ignore it. So he had handed the merchant the over-priced coin for it and held it close to his chest the whole way home. The book had been what sparked the conversation with Enla about what Fenris had gone through, then the questions about why he would purchase something for a person who probably wasn’t coming back.

                Only… she did come back.

                _Should I just bring this over to her… pretend it’s not a big deal?... Or do I… no… don’t make it a big deal… you don’t want to scare her away again_ …

                “ _I’ll figure it out later_ … I need to see Aveline about the missing Qunari deligates _and_ see what they plan to do with _Sebastian_.”

                Elliott looked down at the book for a moment longer, imagining what Fenris’ face might look like when she sees it. Wondering if she might read it to him sometime. Her low and sultry voice filling his ears and making his heart pound faster with each word.

                Elliott shook his head.

                _She never said she came back for me… and even if Isabela hinted that I was a part of the reason… Fenris doesn’t need me fawning after her when she has Danarius and Hadriana to worry about yet_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                “Aveline told me… _about Sebastian_ … and that she told _you_ … I’m sorry…”

                “ _I’m not_ … Sebastian was a good man… and if a _demon_ is plaguing him from our trip into the fade… _he doesn’t deserve that_ …”

                _Hawke probably thinks I’m in shock… or out of my mind… maybe I am_ …

                “ _Hmm_ …”

                “You don’t agree?”

                “ _No_ … it’s just… I’m not sure I’m ready to _forgive_ him… _for the things he did_ …”

                “He did those things to _me_ , Hawke… if _I_ can find it within me to move on… then _you can too_.”

                _Though maybe he’s not totally forgiven… I just don’t wish to think about it_ …

                “ _Just_ … just _promise_ me something?”

                Fenris only looked at Hawke, waiting for his response, and caught the twinkle in his eyes before he did.

                “Promise you’ll make sure to _include_ _me_ the next time you want to finish off the _wine_ in that cellar?”

                She couldn’t help but laugh. She hadn’t expected that to be his request and she was happy to see him being himself again. All too often she had seen him withdrawn and serious. Being serious wouldn’t have been such a problem, but she knew that it was a trait that wasn’t suited to Elliott Hawke… Carver, maybe… but Elliott?

                “I will make _NO SUCH_ promises… _but_ … I will _try_ to remember to send an invite if I ever find myself _planning_ such a thing.”

                He smiled widely.

                “I’ll take what I can get.”

                “ _Hawke_ …”

                “Yes?”

                The urge to stand and claim his mouth slams into her gut and she feels her cheeks and ears burn. She’s sure he can see it and she coughs to clear her dry throat.

                “Th… _thank you_ …”

                His brows furrow and his nose scrunches adorably.

                “ _For what?_ ”

                _Oh Hawke… what am I going to do with you?_

                “I’m _sure_ you know what for…”

                “ _Now, Fenris_ … I’m not sure that I _do_ … it could be a _great many things_ … my very _presence_ for example…”

                She can’t stop herself from scoffing at him or stop the smirk that accompanies it.

                “My mistake. _Please_ … forgive me for not _clarifying_ …”

                Her smirk falls and she looks at her gauntlets as she thanks him seriously.

                “ _Thank you_. For helping me after… after Seb- _in the clinic_ … then for allowing me to _recuperate_ in your home… _and_ for checking on me now… I _appreciate_ it.”

                “You are forgiven… and _Fenris_?”

                She only hums in answer, not wanting to look into his teal eyes when he asks her whatever it is that’s on his mind, when he walks in front of where she rests on her chair and crouches down to look in her eyes.

                The urge to kiss him flares.

                She bites her cheek to stop herself.

                “ _Whatever and whenever_ … you _need me_? I’ll be there… _always_.”

                Fenris only stares at him, struck senseless by the sincerity in his voice and in his eyes, and fights with her own self to keep from leaning forward to close the small distance between them. Her eyes flit to his lips, hugged on all sides by his growing beard, and when she looks up she finds his eyes lingering on her own lips. Heat blooms in her core and her cheeks burn hotter.

                She finally turns her head and looks away from Hawke.

                He stands and she releases the breath she had been holding as he walks towards the door.

                “I should probably get _home_ …”

                _Don’t go… stay with me_ …

                “ _Yes_ …”

                “ _Goodnight_ Fenris.”

                An image of Sebastian brands the darkness behind her closed lids. His hands choking her and his bloodshot eyes boring into her.

                “ _Hawke_?”

                “Yea, _Fenris_?”

                “ _Whatever and whenever?_ ”

                He frowns at the tension she knows she’s showing.

                “ _Always_.”

                _I hope so_ …

                “Would you… _could you stay here? Tonight?_ ”

                She sees the shock on his face and mentally smacks herself.

                “ _It’s just_ … with Sebastian being taken to Starkhaven… _he could_ … I’m _sorry_ … I’m being _paranoid_ …”

                “ _Fenris!_ ”

                “What?”

                “I’ll _stay_.”

                _You will?_

                “Thank you.”

                He doesn’t look on her with pity or humor, but goes about removing his staff, his pouches, belt and straps for his staff before leaning his staff against the only other empty chair and sitting down to get comfortable.

                “There is a _bed_ … _I don’t use it_ , so you are more than welcome to.”

                “ _Nah_ … I’m fine here.”

                Fenris watches Hawke squirm about in his chair and bites her lip as he grunts and murmurs to himself. He fixes his robes for the third time when he sighs and looks at her.

                “ _Maybe I will_ take the bed.”

                She stands to clean the bed for him, but he bolts to his feet and lightly touches her elbow to stop her. It works in stopping her, probably better than Hawke intended, as his calloused fingers brush the inside of her elbow and lightly skim against her bare skin. She always seemed to forget about the tingling feeling she got when their skin touched.

                She hated forgetting.

                But she loved being reminded.

                “I can get it… _get some sleep_ , Fenris.”

                When his fingers leave her skin she instantly misses the warmth they brought her. She forces her body to sit back down and get comfortable, but even as she relaxes in her usual position, her body doesn’t seem to want to sleep. She closes her eyes and wills her body to relax before it slowly pulls her under.

                She stays conscious long enough to whisper.

                “ _Goodnight Hawke_.”

 

* * *

 

 

                “ _Goodnight Hawke_.”

                Elliott watched Fenris first fighting with herself to relax and fall asleep, then fight right before sleep claimed her to whisper her goodnights. He whispered them back, but he could see that she was already sleeping. He had watched her sleep for a few minutes each night she had been in his home, but he never stayed long- only enough for his mind to realize that it wasn’t a dream and that she was really back in Kirkwall. Now he felt less like he was intruding as he gazed at her relaxed face.

                He thought about the smooth skin of her inner elbow, where his fingers had brushed against her, and smiled at the tingling feeling that always seemed to accompany any physical contact between them. He hadn’t wanted to let her go, but he knew that she preferred not to be touched and he didn’t want to push his luck since she had asked him to stay.

                _You know it’s only because of Sebastian being moved to Starkhaven… she’s had Danarius and Hadriana to worry about… now add him… she’s probably terrified of sleeping… don’t let yourself think this is anything more than that_ …

                His thoughts betrayed him though and, as he watched her brows furrow (even in her sleep), he thought of the look on her face as he had knelt before her. His first reaction, when she had lowered her gaze to her hands and her hair had fallen to cover her face, was to slip his fingers through it and push it to the side. He had even taken that first step towards her to do just that, but hadn’t wanted to frighten her with the feelings he still held for her (had always held for her) that would surely show with such an intimate gesture. So he had kneeled before her…

                And he almost swallowed his tongue at the look in her flaring eyes.

                _She looked as though she were debating either killing me or kissing me_ … _probably smart that I didn’t touch her_ …

                He shook his head and looked about Fenris’ room for a moment before he decided to flesh out his magic, searching the mansion for anything or anyone not allowed, before trying to get some sleep. He slowly pulsed it out from his body, not wanting to startle Fenris awake, when his magic reached her sleeping form and he watched her open her mouth and moan quietly.

                _SHIT_ …

                Elliott pulled his magic back, quick as a wink, and held his breath as Fenris squirmed in her chair for a moment before slowly slipping back into her deep sleep. He slowly released his held breath and closed his eyes before he quietly groaned at himself.

                He had forgotten how his magic affected them.

                Now his trousers were uncomfortable under his robes and his mind was repeating Fenris’ moan with each beat of his heart.

                _Maker, kill me now_ …

               

               

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait... I was super sick for like a week :( and then the 4th of July holiday forced me to take this long to post. It was nice having family over and it really helped me, but it's nice to have the holiday over so I can relax and get back to writing :)
> 
> This chapter is shorter than usual, but that's because it's kind of a filler chapter and I wanted to get in more about what's happening with Sebastian. The next chapter will have the ball scene and... SMUT!!! Yes... it's finally happening... Hawke and Fenris are finally going to have sex :D and I'm not going to be following in game events, so there will be no leaving during the middle of this night :D
> 
> Kudos and Comments are like kitty purrs and coffee to my soul :D


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting ready for the ball... some dancing... and...

                _Where ARE you, Bela?_

                Fenris was sure she was wearing a path down in front of the fireplace with all her pacing. She hadn’t heard from the Pirate since the morning of the day before and she was starting to second guess her intelligence for even considering going to this ball.

                It would be starting in an hour.

                Thoughts of Hawke dressed impeccably and dancing with beautiful faceless women had her stomach clenching uncomfortably. She was only an escaped slave- an elf- where they were human, like him, and had wealth and power and privilege. Sure, she would be dressed well- as long as the Pirate showed- but she worried all the same.

                _A wolf in sheep’s clothing… surrounded by vipers dressed as swans_ …

                “ _Ah ah ah_ … I’ll have no glum and broody looks from _you_ tonight, my _beautifully glowy friend_ …”

                _Glowy?_

                “And here I thought I’d get out of going…”

                “ _Tsk tsk tsk_ … and _ruin your chance to blow Hawke’s mind?_ I think not… _plus_ , think of all the jealousy you’ll incite among all those _pompous twits_ as their _own dates_ can’t keep their eyes off of you.”

                _Yes… how could I forget_ …

                “Alright… _enough_ … let me see this dress…”

                The grin Isabela showcased had Fenris frowning in worry. She had argued with the pirate for hours the night she convinced her to attend this ball and Fenris was starting to feel like her worries had been founded in the first place. Isabela bit her lip playfully before she held out a black slip of fabric.

                “This looks _nothing_ like…”

                “Oh, just _PUT IT ON!_ ”

                Fenris growled before ripping the dress from Isabela’s opened fingers… then growled to herself as she found the fabric of the dress to be exceptionally pleasant against her fingers.

                “ _Careful now_ … the ripping shouldn’t happen until _after_ the ball…”

                _Vishante kaffas!_

                “UGH!”

                She walked into the next room, not wanting to be ogled by her friend as she dressed, and sighed after closing the door. In truth, she couldn’t believe that she was actually going through with attending. She would more than likely, by the looks of her dress, be exposing herself to Hawke’s peers and her betters. She couldn’t help the uncomfortable feeling that it would be just like any of Danarius’ parties that she had been forced to attend. Maybe she had been just a bodyguard, but still just as ornamental as any beautiful slave. There to look pleasing. There for other’s enjoyment.

                _I can’t do this_ …

                “I know you’re in there _brooding_ , Kitten… _stop it_ and _get dressed_. We still need to fix your hair.”

                Snickering could be heard on the other side of the door after Fenris growled loudly at the pestering pirate. She had already kept her armor removed from her leathers, leaving only her chest plate, as she had been expecting to remove them. She slipped the black silken dress over herself and hummed quietly as the fabric settled over her, but when she opened her eyes and looked down at herself she cursed.

                “ _PIRATE!_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

                _I love you Mother… I always have and I always will… but, do I really need to attend these?_

                The music wasn’t so bad. He could listen and enjoy the different pieces being played, but the constant condolences and insincere inquiries into his wellbeing were starting to wear on his nerves. He’d give anything to be neck deep in the Hanged Man’s swill and half indebted to Varric in Wicked Grace. Able to hear Aveline gripe back and forth with Isabela about the use their nether’s might or might not be receiving. Listen to Anders explain the rules to Merrill again and again. See Fenris smirk slightly at one remark or another, thinking no one sees the edge of her lip raise just a hair- her white teeth shining for only the briefest of moments. Her forest eyes meeting the ocean of his and igniting ever nerve in his body

                _I hope she’s doing alright… hopefully Isabela is with her… Maker… did that thought really just cross my mind?_

                Bits and pieces of chatter filtered into his thoughts and he rolled his eyes as two women scoffed at some new arrival. He ground his teeth as ‘knife-ear’ was whispered and cleared his throat as their words became even more cutting.

                _Whoever this woman is, I hope she doesn’t happen to hear a word of what they’re saying… or at least doesn’t give their words any power_ …

                Elliott stood, trying to catch a glimpse of the new arrival. His curiosity was getting the better of him. He snatched a drink from one of the passing waiters when he heard another woman speak near him. Her words stopped him in his tracks.

                “Are those tattoos or do you suppose she covered herself in silver paint? _How odd_.”

                “I don’t think she’s _supposed_ to be here… and do you _see_ how she’s _dressed_? Probably hoping to snare one of our men with a _bastard child_.”

                _Tattoos? Silver? It couldn’t be… could it?_

                His legs were moving before the thought to meet this mystery woman actually formed in his mind and he couldn’t seem to care as he pushed past everyone and anyone in his way. The band was between songs it seemed, so everyone was on their feet and shuffling about, as he tried to catch a glimpse of his quarry. He searched and spun and pushed, but he only seemed to bury himself deeper into the thick of the crowd. Lady upon Lady gasped or fanned their faces as he drew near, then made unladylike noises as he would ignore their inquiries to dance. To the Void if he’d waste his time on entertaining a single one of their petty fantasies for even a moment. Elliott stopped his roaming and wondered if maybe he was just having hopeful imaginations and sighed despondently before he slumped down into the nearest chair. He thrust his fingers into his well made-up hair and tousled it in frustration until a familiar seductive vibrato spoke.

                “Is this seat taken?”

                _Fenris!_

                Elliott’s neck twinged with pain from the quickness at which he lifted his gaze, but it all melted away as he gazed at the woman before him. He couldn’t believe she was actually there- staring at him- and in an actual dress, no less.

                She looked good in red.

                Better than good.

                She looked like sin made flesh.

                Flesh and bone and lyrium tattoos.

                _Maker’s flaming blue-balls, SHE IS GORGEOUS! Andraste’s ass… stop staring and say something you idiot!_

 

* * *

 

 

                _Venhedis! I broke Hawke_ …

                His eyes gazed at her, unbelieving, until she had to glance away and clear her throat. She’d owe Bela a drink or two- possibly even a quick kiss upon her cheek- for the reaction she was getting from Hawke. He seemed to finally come back to himself and he swallowed thickly before shaking his head and standing abruptly before saying anything. His hands rubbing against his thighs giving away how truly flustered he was.

                “ _Fenris_ , you look… _WOW_ … I mean, you _always_ look… but… _I’m sorry_ … it’s just… I wasn’t expecting to see you here. _Not that I’m not happy you are_ … I am… _Maker_ , I sound like a bumbling idiot… I _am_ a bumbling idiot… I…”

                “ _Hawke_ …”

                “Huh?”

                “Could you walk with me to get a drink?”

                “Uh… _yeahsure_ …”

                _You are a bumbling idiot… but it’s adorable_ …

                Hawke pushed out his elbow, courteously offering it to Fenris, before he led her to the bar that the waiters flocked to and fled from. She smiled slightly as he ordered her a glass of their best red, dry if they’d be so kind, then offered it to her as if she were some belle of the ball. She sipped from her glass and moaned quietly as the bitter liquid whorled and coated her mouth. Flashes of powder blue, gossamer pink, sunshine yellow, and even a russet orange dress twirled by as she glanced around.

                She seemed to be the only one in red and black.

                Also the only one showing skin from her bare feet to her upper thigh.

                _Damn you for that, Isabela_ …

                She had fumed after looking down and seeing that the black dress was sheer. Her breasts and the bare skin of her mound were easily visible both from it being such a delicate and form fitting fabric, and also the fact that it was practically see-through. The pirate had taken one look at her, after storming back into her room, and began laughing as Fenris held her arm against her chest and a hand over her mound.

 

                _‘Oh my… this is even better than I planned… Andraste’s tits, Fenris…”_

_‘I will kill you… slowly… I will tear you limb from limb and no **Maker forsaken part of you** will end up near your beloved seas… Pirate, FIX THIS!”_

_She had only continued to cackle._

_‘Parlay, Fenris… Parlay!’_

_Fenris had been more than unamused and her lyrium markings had pulsed and flared in her anger._

_Isabela had laughed even harder._

_‘Forget it… I’m not going… this was a ridiculous idea anyways…’_

_The pirate had tamped down her laughing at that, at least enough to speak with relative seriousness, before shaking her finger at Fenris and declaring that she wouldn’t let her friend be a fool and let a chance like this slip again… not if she could help it._

_‘Then- FIX THIS!’_

_‘Yes, Tiger… now quit your glowing… there are other parts to this dress…’_

_‘I’m going to kill you.’_

_‘At least wait until the dress is finished being assembled… then you can have at it, Kitten… plus… at least now I know what color your smalls are.’_

 

 

                She was still debating ending her friend’s life, but after she had finished pulling the actual dress on (the black sheer fabric being an actual slip to the dress), and fastened the corset in place, she had admired herself in a mirror Isabela had grudgingly lugged up from the bathing room as the pirate began working on Fenris’ hair. With Fenris’ markings covering almost every inch of her body it was inevitable that some areas of the dress might cause some irritation, but thankfully the slip was managing to help dissipate some of that. The top holstered around the back of her neck, giving her breasts an almost obnoxious lift, but was comfortably tight with the silver mesh corset that began just below them and stopped just above her hips. It was both to accent the dress and to help in case she was to happen into a fight.

                One never knew when dealing with Hawke.

                The mesh didn’t end at the bottom of the corset either. A long piece tapered down above the front and down the back, both to help hold the dress down and to give some added guard. The only drawback to that was the slit- the mesh seemed to make it far too easy for her leg to slip free.

                Easy for viewing.

                “My dear, _Serah Hawke_ … my deepest condolences on your mother’s departing… Leandra was a beautiful soul and she passed too soon…”

                “Thank you… _uh_ …”

                “ _Elide_ … Elide De Montfort.”

                _Right_ … _this is for Hawke’s mother_ …

                “Would you care for a dance, Serah Hawke?”

                “ _Uh_ …”

                Fenris watched him look between her and the delicate little blonde with the trill voice for a moment before Fenris nodded her head for him to go. She felt the urge to snort as he seemed to internally groan, but she knew it would only look badly on him if he were to dismiss her for no reason.

                “ _It would be my pleasure_ , Lady De Montfort.”

                “ _Wonderful!_ ”

                _Oh, it isn’t that bad, Hawke… just a dance with a petite little pink powder-puff_ …

                With that thought the _petite powder-puff_ wedged herself between Hawke and Fenris and used the obnoxious amount of tulle surrounding her to deliberately push Fenris away.

                _Why you little_ …

                She fumed as the woman practically dragged Hawke towards the center of the dance floor. Thankfully her feet were bare or she might have been unable to keep her balance. After Isabela had finished playing around with different styles for her hair they had both finally settled on her preferred side braid, but the pirate had insisted on adding a little something extra to it and laced in some red fabric. Once they finished with that, Isabela had pulled out some mountainous heeled boots and ordered Fenris to put them on. It hadn’t gone over well and, needless to say, Fenris had won that match.

                _I suppose… if I HAD worn them I could have shoved one of them up petite Lady De Montfort’s petite little_ …

                “ _I wonder_ … would a gorgeous creature, _such as you_ , honor me in accepting a dance?”

                _Fasta vass!_

                A growl held in her throat as she turned towards the one baring the too smooth voice. She had to look up to lock eyes with the man and found him giving her a rather bashful look. A cutting remark held on the tip of her tongue as she glimpsed Hawke smiling, his eyes closed, as he danced with the Lady De Montfort. She felt even more that she was intruding on an event she should never have agreed to come to when the man next to her sighed in defeat.

                “I’m _sorry_ … I see someone else has your attention… I will leave you to your drink and your thoughts… _forgive me, Miss_ …”

                _What will it hurt, Fenris… just one dance… then you can leave with at least some of your dignity…_

                “Wait!”

                He turned back to her and the hopefulness in his eyes was on full display as she stepped towards him.

                “I _suppose_ a dance wouldn’t hurt… _if you’d still like to_ , that is.”

                “ _If_ I’d like to?… _I’d_ … I mean… _forgive me_ … I suppose I had just been _expecting_ a refusal, though I knew I’d regret not at least _asking_ , but… I would be _honored_.”

                His hand extended towards her and she slipped her fingers between his closed fingers and thumb. The song had been playing for a little while so the floor was already quite filled with other dancers when she was pulled to the center, just as Hawke had been. Fenris tried to give her attention to the man leading her in the dance, but her eyes constantly drifted to Hawke as the song wore on. He had been looking towards the bar for a few moments before he and his dance partner drifted by them and he caught her eye.

                The want in them caught her off-guard.

                _Could he really still want to be with me? After everything I’ve done to push him away?_

                Fenris blushed deeply each time their eyes locked and each time had her lowering her eyes and holding in a pleased smile. Her heart started to drum to the song, the climax coming so swiftly that her breath comes out in gasps and her head is spinning as she’s twirled like a dancer, then pulled a little too forcefully into foreign arms and dipped back at the waist.

                The brown eyes holding hers now are heavy lidded with desire.

                “ _I wish to kiss you_ …”

                His hand came up to her chin and held it firmly as he lowered his face to hers and she winced as his calloused fingers raked against her markings. She turned her face away, ignoring the pain, as he moved his face near her neck.

                _Sebastian… don’t!_

                “You _smell_ divine… maybe we should _go somewhere a little more private?_ ”

                _Not Sebastian… not Sebastian, Fenris… just some nobody that’s a little too handsy and forward_ …

                “ _Mind_ if I _cut in?_ ”

                _Maker, yes_ …

                “Can’t you see we’re…”

                “ _Not at all_ , Hawke… _thank you for the dance_ , Serah.”

                “ _But_ …”

                Fenris turned her gaze to Hawke and slipped her fingers between his, sliding her pinkie finger in next to his, making it a little more intimate of a gesture, as he pulled her away from the now fuming Lord. They turned to each other, as other couples positioned themselves, and she gasped lightly as Hawke’s hand rested against her hip. They started to move and, though Fenris knew the steps, Hawke took over and led her like he was a master in his own right. His hand tightened on her hip as he turned their bodies, moved her back and forth, and she quivered at the pressure.

                She lowered her gaze to hide her blush and smirk.

                “ _No more looking down_ , Fenris… you’ve _always_ _been_ better than that…”

                Green eyes held teal in a battle as she tried to deny his words with her gaze alone, but he held fast and furrowed his brow in determination.

                “You’ve always _deserved_ better than that… you don’t need to hide or run away… _EVER_ …”

                “ _Hawke_ …”

                _I’m so tired of running… so tired of hiding… especially from you_ …

                The tempo of the song picked up and then partners began to switch. She twirled and dipped, but never kept her gaze from Hawke long, and as hand after hand gripped her side and held her hand aloft she searched for him. Each time she found him he had already found her and she felt like the dance was the story of the years they had known each other. Always so close to the things they wished to say, then pulled away in a dance neither really wished to be a part of. The crescendo of the song hit just as they came back together and Hawke lifted her in a final spin, his hands gripping her thin waist, before bringing her down slowly.

                Her body slowly slid down his chest.

                She moaned and gasped as her feet touched the floor.

                “Fenris…”

                The next song was slower, giving the dancers a needed break from the spinning and steps, as the couples held each other closer. Some used the chance to whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears, some left the floor all together, but Fenris was held, captivated, by Hawke as one hand held her hip and the other lifted to feather across her cheekbone. His fingers trailed slowly down the juncture of her jaw and neck before they slowly tangled into the braided hair at the nape of her neck.

                _Don’t let me go_ …

                “ _Do you remember the first thing I ever said to you?_ ”

                _The first thing_ …

                “… After you _ripped_ _out_ that slaver’s _heart_ …”

                She thought for a moment, her gaze only dropping to his lips, as the memory worked its way to the forefront of her mind. The words came back just as his lips were forming them.

                _I think I love you_ …

                “ _I think I love you._ ”

                The world stopped. The dancers became blurred whispers. Hawke’s magic slowly escaped him and wrapped itself around her so thickly she trembled and gasped, her body arching against his as the hand at her hip slipped around her to hold her firmly against Hawke’s chest. The beating of their hearts was a rhythm all its own.

                “It was never said in jest… not then… and _not now!_ ”

                _But_ …

                “ _I love you_ , Fenris… _I’ve never stopped_.”

                A tear fell from her eye as her lashes fluttered and Hawke wiped it away before he looked at her for permission, she only whimpered, before the hand at the nape of her neck tilted her head back and Elliott Hawke claimed her lips with his.

                Torture. Sweet. Pain. Longing.

                Love.

                She loved him.

                He broke the kiss, resting his forehead against hers, and the both of them panted for a moment.

                She slowly opened her eyes and found his already watching her.

                He needed to know.

                “ _I am yours._ ”

               

               

               

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY! :P don't hate me for ending it there! I PROMISE the next chapter will be the promised smut... I didn't want to rush it and this chapter was already long. I hope I did the ball scene justice cause I've been wanting to write it since I started this fic.
> 
> Musical inspiration- "Only You" by Yazoo
> 
> Kudos and Comments are like kitty purrs and coffee to my soul. <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT... just SMUT... maybe a little talking... but, mainly SMUT!!!

                Fenris almost felt the dress a waste as Hawke held the door to his estate open for her. They had left the ball shortly after their kiss on the dance floor, not wanting to cause any more of a scene than they already had- though the Lord who had danced with her had felt the need to express his distaste for a woman who would move so quickly from one man to another. Her markings had flared for only a moment before Hawke’s fist met the man’s jaw, thoroughly ending his tirade, and they walked out into the brisk Kirkwall night. They had strolled, arm-in-arm, towards her mansion until Hawke asked if she were hungry at all and then directed them towards his estate- claiming she couldn’t possibly go without eating. All the while they had met no seedy thugs or thieves, giving the perception of a safe city, when Fenris felt like she could use a good scuffle to calm her jittery nerves.

                She had no such luck it seemed.

                _‘I love you, Fenris… I never stopped.’_

                A shiver swept through her as the memory of Hawke’s words caressed her mind for the hundredth time since he spoke them. After all of the hurt and pain they had both endured, the fact that he still cared for her- she was still fighting with herself about it.

                “I’m sure _Bodhan_ has something we can find to eat… _maybe some wine_ …”

                _Wine… yes… wine is… NOT what’s on my mind right now…_

                Fenris only nodded as Hawke shut the door behind her. They walked out of the foyer and headed for the kitchen, the fireplace having dwindled down to almost embers, even as the one inside her flared a little higher. She watched Hawke comb his fingers through his hair, still slowly striding towards the kitchen, before he turned and glanced at her. She felt her cheeks and ears flame as she looked up at him from beneath her bangs and he smirked mischievously.

                Once they were in the kitchen Hawke set to grabbing different things (bread, cheese, berries, and wine), and sat them on a plate before bringing it to the table Fenris rested against. She couldn’t help but watch, entranced with his hands and fingers, as he cut the bread into thin slices. She grabbed one of the slices and started pulling pieces off to slip between her lips when she noticed that Hawke had stopped slicing…

                … because he was watching her.

                _Oh_ …

                He was watching her mouth so intently- she couldn’t let the moment slip. She slowly reached for one of the berries, not wanting to break the magic of the moment, before slowly lifting it to her lips. She watched his eyes dilate as her tongue snaked out and cupped the berry, then slowly pulled it into her mouth, before she added in an easy moan as the tartness of the berry exploded in her mouth. Hawke’s eyes finally met hers as she moved to eat another berry, but his hand moved over hers and grabbed it instead. She looked down and watched his hand, glistening slightly from the berry’s juices, before she returned her gaze to his and opened her mouth slightly.

                _I want it, Hawke_ …

                She watched him hesitate for a moment, his eyes searching hers to see if this was alright, when she wrapped both of her bare hands around his and finished bringing the berry to her lips. He gasped as the tips of his thumb and index finger were covered by her lips, and he watched as she closed her eyes for a moment to savor the taste. He tried to pull his hands away gently, but she held them firmly until she swallowed and brought his fingers back to her lips. She knew little tricks that spoke of want and desire and, even if she hadn’t tried all of them herself, she had watched enough lovers and whores with their clients to figure things out for herself.

                She also knew Hawke’s hands were rather sensitive.

                “Fenris, I… _Ah!_ ”

                Fenris sucked his thumb into her mouth and watched his jaw drop as her tongue laved at the juices still present on his skin. She didn’t stay long on that finger, still having one more to clean, but she dragged the pad of his thumb against her teeth before pulling it from her lips.

                “ _Yes, Hawke?_ ”

                His other finger was sucked into her mouth before he could respond, but she knew he was enjoying it as he hissed and his body moved closer to hers. She looked up at him and smirked as her tongue worked around the entire length of his finger. Unsure if he would get the idea, she planned to move on to his other fingers, but as soon as she moved to release him he used his free hand and pulled her hips against his own.

                Hawke was very much enjoying this.

                “Fenris… _are you sure about this?_ I don’t want you to think that…”

                “ _Hawke_ … it’s alright… I _want_ this… I want _you_ … but…”

                _After everything I’ve done_ …

                “But _what_ , Fenris?”

                “Can you _really_ forgive me? For _everything_ I’ve done to _push you away?_ For _hurting_ you?”

                Hawke grew serious at her words, knowing she was being serious herself, when he lifted his now cleaned hand to her face and gently caressed her lower lip. His eyes lifted to hers and she knew that he had truly forgiven her.

                “I _was_ hurt, when you pushed me away after the deep roads… but, _Fenris_ … neither of us was in a good place to pursue a relationship with the other… I had just lost _Carver_ … you were still seeing _Sebastian_ …”

                She tensed at the name.

                “ _Sorry_ … you were still seeing _him_ … _plus_ I know that everything with Hadriana and Danarius still _weighs_ on you… maybe even _more_ so now, but I’ve only _ever_ wanted you to be _happy_ … and… _how could I fault you_ for _needing your space_ to _figure things out?_ ”

                _I’m still not sure I’ve figured things out_ … _plus, Hadriana and Danarius still need to be dealt with_ …

                “ _Fenris_ … I never blamed you… _not truly_ …”

                “But you _did_ blame me…”

                “Only until I realized I was being _too selfish and stubborn_ to admit _I_ should have blamed _myself_ , not _you_ … but, _if it makes you feel better_ … I _forgave_ _you_ the instant you decided to _come back_ to Kirkwall… I _missed_ you…”

                She watched him smirk as she blushed some more.

                “… more than I should probably admit to, but _there it is_ … do you think you… could you ever _forgive me?_ ”

                _Forgive you?_

                Her brows furrowed at his words, wondering what it could be that he would need forgiveness for when he lifted her face to his and gently kissed her lips. She blinked rapidly, dazed from the brief contact, until she saw the pain and anger in his eyes. For a moment she thought he was angry with her, but he blasted it away before she could speak.

                “I should have been there… the _day you came back_ and stopped by the estate… _I should have known_ … should have been talking to you _all night_ , about _EVERYthing_ … _ANYthing_ to keep you from going to the _Chantry_ … or I could have _gone with you_ and maybe _Sebastian_ wouldn’t have…”

                _Oh_ …

                “Hawke…”

                “… then I _promise_ to _never let you go_ , and _what do I do_? I _let you go_ … without even _trying_ to stop you… and I _knew_ you were still _hurt_ …”

                Fenris felt her heart constrict and her eyes watered disobediently as her feelings bombarded her. This man blamed himself for not being around to somehow stop her from being raped, for not stopping a woman (one who is just as stupidly stubborn as he is) from leaving his home when she was being stubborn.

                _We are both such fools_ …

                “Hawke…”

                “…but I was _too stupid_ to realize that you would _never_ lie about something like _Enla’s past_ and…”

_Just KISS ME ALREADY!_

                “HAWKE!”

                “What?”

                “Just _shut up already!_ ”

                She grabbed the coat of Hawke’s outfit, clutching the fabric into fists against his chest, before she pulled his mouth to hers and swiftly ended his foolish ramblings. It took only half the beat of her heart before he gripped her tightly and kissed her back just as fiercely. He tilted her head back and had her pushed against the table when she felt a power inside of herself and she surged forward and switched their positions.

                He let her.

                She pushed him back, laying him onto the table, and used the slit of her dress to give herself the leg movement to crawl on top of him. She heard him groan deeply as she settled over him, the tapered part of her dress hanging loosely between his legs, and she gasped as they both ground themselves against each other. His hand came up and gripped her bare leg as she slid her tongue into his mouth, she expected to feel the burn of his hand gripping her markings, but she only felt his magic soothing it like ice on a burn. She growled into his mouth as his hand slowly moved closer to her hip, knowing what he would find once his hand reached it, and bit his lip as it finally did.

                “Fenris?”

                “No room for smalls with the armor I wear… _this dress requires the same_ …”

                He groaned as he kissed her deeply a moment longer, and then surged forward so he was sitting on the edge of the table. Fenris had to wrap her arms around his neck to keep from tumbling back, but without missing a beat she started kissing Hawke’s neck and felt the vibrations of his moan against her teeth as she nipped his skin. His fingers slowly worked their way towards her bare backside when he gasped.

                “ _Fenris_ … I want… I want to _see_ _you_ … _all_ of you… but _not_ _here_ …”

 _Venhedis… just touch me… I don’t care where we are_ …

                She felt his free hand slide under her braid before his thumb moved over the lobe of her ear and pinched it slightly. Her hips jutted forward, grinding needily against his groin, and her head leaned into his hand with a pleasured gasp.

 _That’s… oh my_ …

                “ _Mmm_ … don’t stop, Hawke…”

                He chuckled thickly.

                “I always heard that an elf’s ears were sensitive… _glad to see its true_ …”

                “ _Bastard mage_ …”

                “ _Name calling?_ I think I’ll need to _stop_ then…”

                “ _Don’t you dare_ …”

                He chuckled again before he moved to stand and pulled the same lobe into his mouth and pulled on it lightly with his teeth. Her body ignited and she heard him hiss with the force of her hands clutching his hair. She couldn’t control the gasping breaths that were escaping her lips and she didn’t even try to control them as she pulled back to look into Hawke’s eyes.

                She could live in his gaze for the rest of her life and never worry about a thing again.

                “ _Take me to bed_ , Elliott.”

                “ _As the lady wishes_ …”

 

* * *

 

 

                Elliott set the exquisite creature in his arms down when they were safely inside of his room and quickly locked the door behind him. Her hair had come loose in some parts and he moved behind her before he reached around her and kissed her neck gently as he undid the red tie holding her braid. He smiled and kissed her again when he felt her settle back against him, laying her head upon his shoulder, as he used one hand to comb through her hair and the other to roam over her stomach until it rested beneath her breast. She arched into his touch and he had to close his eyes as her arse rubbed against his straining pants.

                _Maker, don’t let this be a dream_ …

                He moved away from her slightly to undo the clasp for her dress before he pulled her hair so it fell heavily down her lyrium covered back. He lifted his hands to bring Fenris against him again when she moved away and turned to look at him. The multitude of emotions swirling in her emerald eyes paralyzed him for a moment.

                _Maybe she’s changed her mind, Elliott… let her know its ok_ …

                “Fenris _, if_ _you’re not ready_ we can…”

                “NO!”

                Elliott closed his mouth and swallowed, waiting for her to continue, but as she stayed staring at him he decided he would give her time to work through her thoughts and he started taking off his own clothing.

                She didn’t protest.

                _Just go slow, Elliott… don’t lose your head now… haha… shut up… idiot_ …

                He watched her as he pulled his tie from his neck- red (just like her dress)- and started to unbutton his shirt. Her eyes moved with his hands and, though her own still clutched the top of her dress to her chest, she started to bite her bottom lip as her lids seemed to grow heavy with her desire. His heart started to pound as he pulled his shirt off and he reached for the buckles holding his pants. His erection strained hard against them, and he clenched his jaw as they came loose before they fell to the floor. She stuttered out a gasp as he finally pulled his smalls down and stood before her in nothing but what the Maker gave him.

                _Please… don’t run… please_ …

                Elliott stepped towards her, but stopped when he saw her tense. He worried that he had only scared her further until her eyes snapped up to his and he felt the fire in them consume him. Her hands slowly moved to run up to her neck and he felt his eyes widen as her grip on her dress disappeared.

                _Maker, smite me later for glimpsing this goddess_ …

                The fabric seemed to cascade down her body, like it were made of cream, until it pooled at her feet. His eyes traced the lines that swirled and dotted her body and felt a tug at his heart that they should look so beautiful on her, but have been put there so brutally and in such a way that they still caused her pain. He starts to let the pain he feels for her grow until he notices her stand a little straighter. The look in her eyes commands that he not pity her, and any that he may have felt evaporates with the realization that she has always been strong enough to deal with them. Strong enough to live and breathe. To fight and think for herself. To stand up to any foe. Even the ones that fight within her- and he isn’t surprised that he could find he loves her even more for it.

                _She is stronger than I could ever be_ …

                He closes the distance between them and kisses her, hoping that it will explain, as he never could with words, how much she means to him. He moves them towards the bed, only letting their lips part long enough to pull in a breath, before her legs brush against the wood of the footboard. He lightly caresses her hip with one of his hands when she pulls away from him- then proceeds to spin them around and pushes him back onto his own bed.

                The look she gives him has him slowly crawling backwards.

                _She’s never looked more like a wolf than she does right now… Andraste’s tits, how did I get this lucky?_

                Fenris smirks, _wolfishly_ , before she starts to prowl on her hands and knees towards him. Her silvery-white hair hangs down in thick tendrils and as she starts to crawl over his body he shivers as the strands run along his skin. He starts to pant as she stares at him, but a moment later she chuckles and he can’t stop himself from throwing his head back and calling out as her lips surround his cock.

                “ _SWEET MAKER, HAVE MERCY!_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

                She knew he had wanted to take things slowly, tend to her body before his own as she knew he would want to, but she didn’t want to go slow any longer. His length was quite impressive, bigger than even Sebastian was, and as she crawled over him she had seen the beading of white at the tip and couldn’t help but take the initiative to taste it. He thrust into her mouth, but held himself from going too far, before she hummed and started to take him deeper.

                “ _SWEET MAKER, HAVE MERCY!_ ”

                _Plead to him, Hawke, because I’ll show you none_ …

                Fenris started to burn as she drew moan after moan from him, some almost squeaking from his lips, as she started to suck harder and bobbed her head faster and faster along his shaft. She slid one of her hands up his abdomen and through his chest hair before she clenched her fingers and clawed down his chest. She used her other hand to cup and massage his sack when she felt them tighten and was pulled from him completely, her lips popping as he pulled from her mouth.

                “Fenris… if you go _a second longer_ I’ll not be able to _stop_ myself from…”

                _Mmm_ …

                “You taste _wonderful_.”

                “ _UGH_ … you’re not making this _easier_ … Fenris… I’d like to make sure _you’re_ taken care of… if that’s alright?”

                _How can I say no to that face?_

                She only nods, but as he tries to have her lay down she realizes she doesn’t want to give up this position.

                _Sebastian always had to be on top… always in control_ …

                Hawke must feel her hesitancy because he only smiles before he lays back and motions for her to come towards him. She wonders at what he plans until he helps her settle her knees on either side of his head and his hands start to work. One hand slides up and grips a cheek of her arse as the other has fingers sliding out of his mouth and slowly, as he watches her, they slide between her folds. Her head falls back with a loud moan, her hair lightly touching his hand gripping her rear, as his other fingers hug the sides of her clit and rub up and down until it is no longer his saliva glistening along his fingers. The tightening of the muscles in her core have her tightly gripping her own breast, and clutching her own hair, when he finally lifts his face and simultaneously slides his fingers inside of her and starts sucking and licking at her nub.

                Her orgasm shockwaves through her and her vision turns a blinding blue.

                She gasps loudly as Hawke’s fingers slide from her, but she is in too much of a blissful haze to notice him sliding out from beneath her until he touches her and she slightly opens her eyes.

                _Never… in all my life… that was_ …

                One hand is still fisted into her own hair, the other clutching the top of the headboard, as Hawke pulls her back to rest against his chest. She pants and gasps as he cradles her body against his, not speaking, as she comes back to herself. She lets him lower her to the bed, but instead of instantly climbing over her (as she expected him to do), he rests next to her and combs her sweat drenched hair away from her face and neck.

                _This is Hawke, Fenris… he’s different… he’s always been different_ …

                She opens her eyes and, unsurprisingly, finds his already watching her. He smiles sweetly at her and lifts his hand to lightly run his thumb against her cheekbone. Her eyes close easily at the tingling and she doesn’t try to stop herself from smiling.

                “That was… _powerful_ … I’ve never felt one… like _that_ before…”

                He looks bashful as her eyes open again.

                “I _may_ … or _may not_ have… taken a few notes from our _resident healer_ about a _certain trick_ he… _may or may not_ have used… _once or twice_ …”

                _So he used… magic_ …

                Her eyes widened and she watched him go from bashful to horrified faster than she could think.

                “I am _SO SORRY_ … I am SO _STUPID_ … please… _forgive me_ … I…”

                She pulled him towards her and kissed him soundly on the lips. He tried to pull away, but she fisted her hand into his hair and held his mouth to hers until he gave up and deepened the kiss further. Their tongues swirled and danced with each other when Fenris felt Hawke’s length twitch against her leg.

                _Mmm… good_ …

                “I want you _inside of me_ , Hawke… I _need you_ inside of me… _please_ …”

                He looked in her eyes, searching for any signs of doubt, but nodded when he found none and lifted himself so he rested between her legs. She felt him rub against her and she couldn’t help but gasp at her continued sensitivity. She only looked into his eyes as he reached down and positioned his cock at her entrance, but before he pushed forward to join their bodies he opened his mouth to speak, hesitating for only a moment.

                “I… _I love you_ , Fenris… in all of this world _and_ the next… there will never be _anyone_ for me, but you… _only you_.”

                Fenris smiled, tears forming in her eyes as her throat burned with her emotions, and she kissed him hard in answer. He seemed to know that it was the only answer she could give then and slowly, as their eyes held the others, he pushed inside of her. Her brow furrowed as he filled her, a mixture of pain and pleasure coalescing in her core until he was hilted inside of her and she was whimpering and gasping against his shoulder.

                “Are you _alright_ , Fenris? Do you want me to _stop_?”

                She gripped his back and wrapped her legs around his backside.

                “Don’t. You. _Dare_.”

                He kissed her again before he started to slowly slide out of her, and then pushed back in a little quicker. She felt one of his hands slide under her head, holding it as he kissed her, as the other wound around the back of her hips and used the position help hold her as he thrust into her. She started to meet his thrusts with her own and each time his hips met hers she felt her climax jumping closer and closer. His breathing was starting to come out in shorter and shorter huffs, sometimes a grunt if their thrusts timed out at the exact same moment, and she saw stars a few times as he hit the right spot inside of her. They weren’t going to last much longer.

                Hawke confirmed it a moment later.

                “ _Fenris_ … I’m not going to last much longer… _Maker_ … you _feel so good_...”

                “Yes… I _need_ you, Hawke… I _want_ you… _all of you_ …”

                She looked into his eyes as he began thrusting into her even harder and he seemed to understand what she asked of him because he slowly started to let his magic loose. She barely noticed as her markings pulsed along with the beating of their pounding hearts and her muscles clenched again.

                _Yes… please… Elliott, please… I’m not afraid… never of you_ …

                “ _Please_ …”

                With her pleading he finally released it all and she arched into him as he pounded into her cunt, a primal electricity bolting through her with each slap of their skin, and before either could say another word they both climaxed in each-other’s arms. As the warmth between her legs, and deep inside of her, grew she pulled Hawke closer against her and nuzzled her face into the crook where his neck and shoulder met.

                _Mmm… I’ll never tire of this smell… woodsy… musky… sexy_ …

                As their hearts slowed she felt herself relaxing enough that she could close her eyes and sleep for a week. Hawke kissed her temple, then kissed her forehead before he lifted from her and moved to leave the bed.

                “Where are you going? Was I _that bad?_ ”

                He stopped and moved back so he was leaning over her.

                “Fenris… _what we just did_ … was better than _any dream_ … you were perfect… you _are_ perfect…”

                He leaned down to kiss her slowly before he lifted his head from hers and kissed her nose.

                “I love you.”

                _Always, Hawke_ …

                “ _I am yours._ ”

                He closed his eyes and smiled as a hum sounded from him.

                “As for where I’m _going_?... follow me to the _bathing room_ and you’ll _find out_.”

                He quickly rose from the bed and she glanced at his thickening length only a moment before he turned and sauntered to the bathroom.

                “I _do_ enjoy _following_ _you_ …”

                She growled happily as she rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is... not how I thought it would go... but like usual they take over and tell ME how it goes :P
> 
> Musical inspiration for this chapter: "H.O.L.Y." by Florida Georgia Line
> 
> Kudos and Comments are like kitty purrs and coffee to my soul! <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris has flashbacks- a pirate gets a show- fluff/angst- then a little more angst...

                Fenris remembered Hawke’s bathroom from her time spent healing in his home. It was one of the few things that she sorely missed, after she had taken up residence back in her dilapidated mansion, and she couldn’t wait to now enjoy a steaming hot bath with its owner. Her lids felt heavy from the releases Hawke had pulled from her body and, though her markings _now_ felt a little raw from all of the physical touching, she barely noticed as she caught a glimpse of a muscled backside walking around the tub and groaned with pleasure.

                _What. An. ASS_ …

                She didn’t miss his slight smirk, telling her he heard the noise, as she stepped into the doorway. The steam from the bath water was a wonderful sight, having lived in Tevinter heat for as long as her memories go back and, though the place brought back only painful memories, her body still had a hard time adjusting to anything cold. The smell of Hawke’s bath oils, ones she had not dared to use while she was recovering, wafted through the air around her when they hit.

                Her memories.

                From before the ritual.

 

                _‘Come on- come on… follow me…’_

_Red hair swished back and forth behind the young girl as she weaved through hanging sheets and linens._

_‘Wait, Rainia…’_

_‘Shush, girls…’_

_The Master was home, inspecting Mother’s work. If stains were not properly removed there would be consequences._

_‘Yes, Mama.’_

 

                Flashes of bruised emerald eyes and red-orange hair flared, like lightning bolts, through her mind. A soft voice pleading for something- for her to reconsider…

                Words.

                - _Lightning_ -

                Names.

                - _Lightning_ -

                Faces.

                - _Lightning_ -

                _Thunder- screaming_ -

                She heard screaming.

                _Her own screaming_.

 

                “FENRIS!”

                She couldn’t stop her screaming.

                “FENRIS!”

                _That’s not my… that’s not… they called me… wait… who? Wait… NO!_

                The images in her head blurred, mixing together, until they were consumed and locked away inside an invisible box. A box that eluded her every attempt at it being found.

                “ _NO!_ ”

                _Not again… not again_ …

                “Fenris?”

                _No. no. no… not again_ …

                “They’re gone… they’re… nonoNO… not again…”

                “Fenris? Who’s… who’s gone?”

                _Who? I don’t… I don’t remember_ …

                Fenris finally starts to come back to herself, the cold stone of the bathing room floor seeping into the muscles of her legs, and opens her eyes as the flashing of her markings catches her notice. She looks up from her shaking body and sees Hawke kneeling before her, his arms outstretched towards her, and tenses before she realizes he is not moving to touch her. His eyes tell her that he wants to. Wants to reach forward the last few inches and comfort her, but he keeps himself still.

                She fights with her urge to flee.

                He notices that as well.

                It breaks something in her.

                “I’m sorry…”

                He smiles sadly, but looks at her with understanding.

                She doesn’t want to cry in front of him.

                “Don’t be, Fenris… if you… if you need to go… if you need space… I understand…”

                _Does he know what just happened?_

                He must read the confusion on her face because he smiles wanly at her, then lowers his hands and looks to the floor. Her mouth goes dry as his smile turns to a scowl and he looks at his hands.

                “I remember… that night… when we made it back to Kirkwall… after the Deep Roads…”

                She still trembles as his eyes seek hers.

                “… You said that my magic… my magic brought out your memories… that they came back for a few moments, but then they disappeared… and you…”

                _Then… then I ended us, before we even began… and called you a coward_ …

                Looking to the floor to hide the embarrassment in her eyes, she misses Hawke rolling his with exasperation. His fingers hesitantly slide along her cheekbone, mingling with her mussed hair, before they’re moving below her jaw and lightly guiding her face back up from the floor.

                “Fenris…”

                “I’m sorry…”

                “Don’t… I should be sorry… I worried this would happen again… after I let out my magic on you… and… it seems I was right…”

                “I asked you to… if it is anyone’s fault for my predicament, it’s me.”

                Hawke looked on her with exasperation, probably trying to think of a way to take the blame on himself, but held his tongue, as no logical explanations came. He looked to the floor and slowly, but loudly, released his held breath through his nose.

                They stayed like that for a few minutes, Hawke stealing cautious glances at her as she calmed herself, and tried to pull back the memories that had crashed into her. When she finally gave up, only feeling her frustration grow with each failed attempt at remembering, and turned her attention to Hawke’s fidgeting hands.

                _Patience was never your strong suit, Hawke_ …

                “You’re _not_ a coward, Hawke…”

                Fenris listened to him snort before he nodded his head for a moment- still looking at the floor and not at her.

                “Maybe _Hawke_ isn’t… but, _Elliott sure is_ …”

                “They are one in the same…”

                A silent breath passed.

                “ _I wonder_ , sometimes, if that’s true…”

                _Really_ …

                “Did you become an abomination like Anders while I wasn’t looking?”

                He finally looked at her- with horror in his eyes.

                “ _WHAT?_ NO!”

                She had to bite her lip to keep in her giggle.

                He noticed that a second later.

                Fenris loved that smirk.

                “Are you… are you _teasing_ me?”

                She tried to look innocent.

                “Me? _Never_ …”

                Wondering when the urge to run had faded, it takes her an extra moment to register Hawke’s visibly growing arousal- and their current state of undress. He hesitates, not sure if she’s planning to bolt she’s sure, and she decides to put his fears to rest. Fears she knows she’s instilled in him over the years they’ve known each other.

                _No more running, Fenris_ …

                Her knees protest at the scraping and uncomfortable pressure as she moves before Hawke, but she ignores it and bites her lip as she scrapes her blunt fingernails through his beard and into his hair. She sees him twitch again, groaning from her ministrations, and she smiles wickedly in return.

                “Mmm… I’m not sure if I’m sufficiently dirty enough to warrant a bath…”

                Ocean eyes- bright and clear with want and understanding- open to hers, and devour the sight of her lips for a moment before snapping back up to her heavy lidded gaze. She whimpers at the sight of them, spilling over with love. Love for her. A slave.

                She doesn’t want to go another day without it.

                “I think I can remedy that…”

                “You think so…”

                “Oh… I know so…”

                _Hmmm_ …

                Fenris pushes Hawke back so he is lying on the stone floor, moving to straddle his hips (and lightly rubbing against his velvety length), when she starts to dig her fingernails into the muscles of his chest.

                “And if I wished to do the dirtying?”

                His eyes closed with a groan, his erection twitching in anticipation between her thighs, and then snapped them open before gripping her hips and grinding himself against her dripping center.

                “Do your worst.”

                _With pleasure_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                _Now THAT’S my girl_ …

                Isabela felt no shame or guilt at having watched her friend and best friend finally popping their corks together. She also felt no shame in having given herself her own climax at their expense.

                _Damn, those two are beautiful_ …

                Varric and Merrill had helped her to keep the streets clear of any distractions so that Hawke and Fenris could make their way to one or the other’s home and, though she trusted they were both capable of getting themselves between the sheets, she couldn’t go without at least making sure Fenris was well and truly taken care of. Having spied Fenris stooped on the ledge of Hawke’s window on more than one occasion, Isabela had climbed and maneuvered to place herself there after the two fools had entered Hawke’s home. For a few minutes she worried they had either found themselves too eager to make it to his room, or decided to continue being foolish and part ways, before Hawke’s door had opened and in they had stumbled- at least Hawke had. Fenris had been wrapped around his chest, like a well-crafted chest-plate of lyrium lined woman, and had had her hands so entwined in Hawke’s hair that it was still a mess when he set her onto her feet to lock the bedroom door behind them.

                _Mmm… to have been between that sandwich… AH!_

                She lowered her hand and slapped herself at the apex of her thighs.

                “ _Down girl_ … Mama gave you attention earlier... _don’t be greedy_.”

                _HA… who am I kidding… greedy is our middle name_ …

                Finding that her urge to maim had been relatively sated during Fenris and Hawke’s time at the ball, Isabela found she was much more inclined to head to The Hanged Man or The Rose to finish off her night. She debated The Rose, it being closer to her current location, but she also wanted to have a good many drinks and she didn’t feel in the mood to walk back to her room at The Hanged Man a full bottle down.

                _Sorry, Jethann… maybe next time_ …

                The images of her two friends beautiful bodies finally coming together, and the memories of the sounds they each made had her burning from the inside out by the time she turned the last shadowy corner to The Hanged Man-

                And stopped dead in her tracks.

                _Blast it all_ …

                The two visible men gathered a small ways from the front door of her favorite shithole could easily have just been mistaken for some revelers getting fresh air, but with her keen (and thankfully sober) eyes she could spot the few others who were amateurishly hiding close by. Though that also would normally not be a concern to her, she could also recognize the gear they wore.

                Not to mention the clear leader of their little troupe being easily recognizable as Castillon’s right hand man (after she had abandoned that ship, of course).

                _Velasco_.

                And if Velasco knew where to find her, then Castillon wasn’t much farther behind him.

                _Shit…. shit-shit-shit-shit-SHIT_ …

 

* * *

 

 

                Fenris lay face-down on Hawke’s bed, boneless and content, as he traced feather-light touches all along her lyrium markings. He was careful not to touch them directly, not wanting to cause her more pain, but the pain was only a slight annoyance compared to the pleasant tingle that had her body singing even in rest. She had tried to reassure him that it was alright to touch her, but he was afraid of hurting her and too afraid to use his magic to ease what pain she felt- too afraid to push her with her memories.

Her bangs were currently hanging over her heavy lidded (almost completely closed) eyes, but she was too relaxed to care to move them. Her hair was still damp from their bath and a large cluster of tendrils clung to her neck, winding down and flattened between her chest and the bed beneath her, while the rest of it lay thick and heavy down her back and side. She still wondered why she didn’t cut it, ridding herself of the maintenance and upkeep of caring for so much hair, but before she let herself go further along with that trail of thought Hawke’s fingers ran lightly along her side and a giggle escaped her before she could stop it. His fingers stilled on her hip.

                Fenris’ eyes had shot wide the moment the noise left her, but it wasn’t until a moment later that she moved her gaze to Hawke’s. Biting her lips, she watched warily as Hawke’s owlish eyes locked with hers and she saw the mischief there.

                “Hawke…”

                “Are you… _ticklish_ , Fenris?”

                _Fasta vass_ …

                “ _Hawke_ … don’t even …”

                “Don’t even what… this?”

                He pounced before she could utter any more protests. His fingers felt like magic against her skin, though she knew he wasn’t using any actual magic, pulling giggles and full blown laughter from her chest as he assaulted her sides. Hawke used his massive body to try and hold her down, but she rolled him off just enough for her to scramble towards the bathroom (and hopefully her sanctuary). Fenris didn’t notice the box resting on Hawke’s nightstand until it came crashing to the floor a moment later- her flailing hand having knocked it down.

                “ _Venhedis_ … I’m _so_ sorry…”

                _Just wonderful, Fenris_ …

                “Fenris, it’s…”

                “Forgive me, _Hawke_ … I didn’t mean to…”

                She knelt down just as Hawke was rising from the bed, hands shaking as she tried to pick up the small pieces of jewelry, when she noticed him pick up a weathered book that had also fallen out. Fenris felt hypnotized by the gentle slowness of Hawke’s fingers as they caressed the book’s cover. When she lifted her eyes she half expected to see irritation, for her blunder of an escape, but his eyes only shown with a mixture of uncertainty and a sort of shy determination.

                _What now_ …

                “ _Actually_ , Fenris…”

                _Kaffas_ …

                “This is for _you_.”

                Fenris tilted her head to the side, examining Hawke for a moment to see if he was making a joke at her expense, when she realized he was doing no such thing.

                “It’s a _book_.”

                _The irony_ …

                He chuckled before handing it to her.

                “Yes, it’s a book. It’s by Shartan… the elf who helped Andraste free the slaves. You know about him, right?”

                _Uh_ …

                “A _little_ … it’s just…”

                _Vishante kaffas and the bitch it came from_ …

                “Just _what_ , Fenris?”

                _Just spit it out… he’d have learned sooner or later_ …

                She looked away from him for a moment, her ire spiking at herself as she feels her cheeks and the tips of her ears growing hot with shame.

                _More of your inadequacies_ …

                “Slaves… _slaves_ are not permitted to read… I’ve never learned.”

                Fenris jammed her eyes shut, too afraid to see the pity in Hawke’s eyes, when the anger at those who kept her this way surged up inside of her and constricted her lungs with the power of it. Like a monster clawing free after receiving only an inch of give, she feels too raw and disoriented to push it back down before Hawke speaks.

                “If you’d like… I could teach you.”

                _And like they required, I should grovel and beg?… Never again…_

                “Is that what this is?”

                She opens her eyes and notices Hawke stiffen at her tone. It only urges the monster forwards.

                “Fenris?”

                “Teach the poor slave to read... does it get you off? Does it get you hot? Huh?”

                Hawke jolts, like she’s struck him, and with the image of the hurt that was swirling in his eyes, Fenris manages to wrestle the monster back. Her markings pulse with her anger and she has to physically grit her teeth.

                “GAH! Ignore me… you are not responsible for my deficiencies…”

                _It is not Hawke’s fault… it is unfair to treat him as though it is_ …

                “I only want to help, Fenris…”

                She jams her slender fingers into her hair, ripping some strands free of her scalp, and growls out a sigh as she covers her face with her arms and curls her body forwards. Her teeth gnash together as her inner monster lashes out, trying to keep its own freedom, but she forces it back into the deep depths of her mind- hoping that it will just disappear if she ignores it long enough.

                “Forgive me…”

                Careful and tender fingers slowly twine with hers, releasing the tension between her pulled hair and the skull they’re attached to, as she allows Hawke to reach her. The silver-white waterfall of her hair still protects her from the pity she imagines he sees her with, but her body slowly gives in to him as his fingers massage her head.

                “There is nothing to forgive.”

                _Nothing to forgive?_

                Fenris’ head snaps to attention, unable to believe that Hawke could let her deplorable accusations go so easily, and glares at the vulnerability and the honesty she sees in answer.

                “You jest… it is not cute.”

                He only rolls his eyes in response.

                “Fenris… it’s alright to be angry… and everyone has something that they might need help with, but are too stubborn to seek help for…”

                She glares even further.

                He smirks.

                “And yes… maybe I’d prefer if you didn’t bite off my head each time I offer you help with something, but… I love you, Fenris… all of you… and that includes your angry, brooding, side.”

                _You too?_

                “Brooding side?”

                Hawke’s smirk turns in to a full-on grin until a moment before she lunges and slams his back onto the floor, the book sliding away from them with the force of her push. Her knees straddle his ribs and she holds his wrists above his head as she snarls inches from his face.

                “I…”

                Her nose lightly rubs against his.

                “… do…”

                Then she slowly runs the tip of her tongue along the seam of Hawke’s lips.

                “… not…”

                Right before she pulls his bottom lip between her teeth and pulls on it.

                “… brood.”

                Fenris then lowers her body down on to Hawke’s, stretching her torso to rub her center against the trail of hair that leads from his belly-button to his groin, and gasps as his pupils dilate and he grinds against her.

                “But…”

                She lets herself grow serious and softens her gaze.

                “… I suppose, if I were to let anyone help me with such a thing… I would be glad of it being you.”

                Hawke’s slow smile has her stomach flipping and her heart racing and, as he slowly lifts his mouth to her’s, she can’t help but feel as though the monster inside of her shrinks in response. His lips ghost over hers, barely touching, but send her body to shaking. Their eyes stay locked and open until, in unison, their tongues touch and they deepen the kiss. The taste of him was something she was sure she could never forget, like the finest of wines, but a flavor that was purely Hawke.

                _I love you_ …

                “Now was that so hard?”

                “What?”

                He chuckles lightly beneath her as she wonders if she had spoken those words out loud.

                “Asking for help… was that so hard?”

                _Oh_ …

                “You insufferable- AH!”

                The words she had meant to say left her as Hawke bucked his hips and slid home inside her. She smiled as he groaned, _also_ seeming to lose his ability for speech for a moment, before they both started moving.

                _Damn you_ …

                She decided, since she was in control, that they would go slowly this time. Finding joy in the feeling of their bodies sliding against each other and the sounds that left their lips- the things that drove the other to near breaking with want and desire for that sweet and all-consuming release.

                Hawke was more than eager to let her lead.

                And it was well into sunrise before they both lay curled against each other and finally slept.

 

* * *

 

 

                “Castillon will not be pleased, Isabela.”

                “Tell him he’ll have his relic… I just need a little more time.”

                “Well… you’d better hurry…”

                She held her ground as he invaded her space- the stench of his breath turning her stomach.

                “… time is running out.”

                She smiled wickedly to hide her unease.

                “Are we done here?”

                He only smirked for a moment, seeing through her mask, before he snapped his fingers and she watched the lot of his men start to head back towards the docks. Velasco stayed a moment longer, eyeing her up like a prized cut of meat, before he too turned and walked away.

                It wasn’t until they all had disappeared from her sight that her hands began to shake.

                _Damn it all… I’m in so much shit_ …

               

               

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm really sorry :( this should not have taken me so long to get out... it's just been a real battle for me to write lately and I've had no want for it :( but... I'm fighting it... I know it's not ME (the not wanting to write), so I'm fighting :) and I hope that the length of this chapter will make up for my absence... and as always I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> Kudos and comments are like kitty purrs and coffee to my soul!!! <3


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